Tag: past

The Twenty Tens were a decade of wild change, wild discovery and wild growth. The old normal turned into the new normal, and what seemed certainty was replaced by a certainty that nothing ever is. I’ve learned a lot over the last ten years and for that I am grateful.

A disclaimer. Although I will post this before year officially ends, be certain that I’m not counting my chickens before they hatch. If the Twenty Tens have taught me anything, it is to never count on what is not yet real and to never believe something has happened before it does.

Although a little faith has never hurt anyone. A valuable lesson learned.

The decade started out normally enough. I was married with children, living in a nice home in Southern New Jersey. I can remember ringing in the New Year with the banging of pots and pans, a few kisses and hugs and the normal amount of forgetting to write “2010” on my checks instead of “2009”.

Everything seemed wonderful. As so it was.

There Must be a Fire for the Phoenix to Rise from the Ashes

As I’ve said, the Twenty Tens were a decade of wild change.

Within a couple of years the company I worked for would declare bankruptcy and I would be getting a divorce. My life crumbled around me and I wanted out. My walk to end it all didn’t end as planned, but that is a story for another day.

I would rise and survive, learning to peel away the layers of shit I’d wrapped around me. I threw away the stench of my childhood and the behaviors that went with them as I created a new code to live by.

A couple of years later I would have two near-death experiences. The first was heart related, the second brain related. That was a remarkable metaphor for what needed to change in my life. My heart needed to heal and to open; my brain needed to stop dwelling in the past and future. There was so much to enjoy right now.

In the moments that culminated in what has been termed a “miraculous recovery” I fell in a deep love affair with me.  For the first time in my life I loved myself. It was a gift of love that spawned from loss and a lesson in life born from nearly dying.

There must be a devastating fire if the Phoenix is to rise from the ashes.

Wild Change – A Big Move

Less that a year later I would be fulfilling a deep desire to live in Colorado. Miracles all fell into place to see that happen but the long and short of it is that my ex and my youngest kids moved here too. I was working 4 jobs in New Jersey at the time and had no idea what I would be doing once I moved to Colorado. All I knew was that I needed to be here.

With some sadness, I turned in my firefighting gear and said goodbye to a 25-year passion. With joy, I sold most of my possessions, loaded up a moving truck, and left my home State of over 40 years. I left the beach, friends, family and all I knew to venture into an area I had only visited, where I knew no one and had no history. All I knew for certain was that I heard a voice inside me that told me this had to happen and that it would be all good. I trusted that voice.

Within a couple of weeks I had a job in insurance, obtained the required licensing, and had made a few acquaintances. Mostly, though, I began to challenge my body on the trails and began to really know myself in the mountains. The voice had been right, and I’ve trusted it ever since.

The realization of the desire to live here has given rise to a blossoming I only once dreamed of, and a continuation of the recovery I have seen my entire life.

A Great Love

That blossoming has led me to a great love. I’ve been blessed to watch my children grow to wonderful teenagers. I’ve been blessed to see my oldest find herself in her 20’s. All three are wonderfully powerful presents who teach me daily about life. Their smiles raise me, their challenges pain me, but mostly their individuality inspires me.

I am truly a blessed man even in my imperfections. Check that. Especially in my imperfections.

The blossoming also led me to my heart’s mate who, ironically, lived back where I moved from. I believe I was destined to move here and I believe she was too, for we as kindred souls move well among the wildflowers and the breathtaking views. The words we translate from our souls speak the same language, and we compliment each other quite well.

What a great space we now share.

I’ve seen the power of a wild moose, walked paths with elk, hiked alongside chipmunks, told stories to mountain goats above the treeline and felt the energy of native peoples course through my soul. I’ve share an embrace where I once walked alone and shared visions with the unseen that walk beside me. In those rare moments when I pause to look behind me I cannot fathom from where it was I came.

A lost child is a securely found adult and a wounded heart beats strongly. This once-tired soul has found its second wind. What once seemed impossible is now a daily experience, and what once bore wounds into my heart are now-forgiven memories.

What a great love it is.

Beyond Today – More Wild Change?

I honestly have no idea what is to come but I am excited to find out. The Twenty Tens certainly proved to be a decade of wild change. I can’t wait to see what this new decade brings.

I know what I hope to accomplish and I know what I’d like to see. Yet, for all my wants I realize that