Category: Spirituality (Page 6 of 19)

I am…alone,

But not lonely.

I am…wondering,

But not mindless.

 

Just waiting for the moment we come alive.

 

I am…lost,

But not bewildered.

I am…sad,

But happy in the moment.

 

Reaching out and feeling what has always been there.

 

I am…hopeful,

But have not lost confidence at all.

I am…fearful,

But ready to face the world.

 

Shining brightly through the eyes of the Beauty I have found.

 

I am…trying,

Though no effort is really needed.

I am…crying,

Tears of great joy.

 

Embracing the question as if it were a Destiny.

 

I am…wonderful,

Yet greater when I’m with you.

I am…waiting,

For that wonderful call.

I occurred to me that I have reincarnated.  Many times as a matter of fact.  I can vouch for reincarnation as a definite, and can truly dare anyone to prove me wrong about my complete belief in reincarnation.  Yes, I dare you!

Let’s look at the most common definition of the word “reincarnation”:

Definition of REINCARNATION (Source: Merriam-Webster.com)

1
a : the action of reincarnating : the state of being reincarnated
b : rebirth in new bodies or forms of life; especially : a rebirth of a soul in a new human body
2
: a fresh embodiment (b : to make concrete and perceptible)

Most of us want to focus on the “rebirth of a soul in a new human body” portion of the definition.  I tend to believe in that as well, but since I can’t prove it beyond some personal experiences I have had I don’t tend to make it part of my normal discussions with people.  What I’d like to focus on here is the “fresh embodiment” aspect of reincarnation.

I can prove that I have reincarnated many times if I use that definition.  That proof is called “life experience” and is something we can easily see if simply willing to take some time to review our life experience and see the magnificent manifestations of reincarnation we have undergone.  I’ve compiled a list of “forms” I have seen in my review, and would love to share them here with you now.

The Sapling

Yes, I was a Sapling, a baby.  Now, while most of us tend to think we were nurtured by our parents and grew from them, I suggest that we were nurtured by the Universe that manifested Itself as our parents and/or caregivers.  Our Soul had an intention when it conceived human form (uh oh, there I go heading into the unproveable) and the Universe provided the “soil for the soul” which we call our culture, our archetypes, our parents and/or our condition.  Some of us were born into very fertile soil, others not so much.  Still, we were born, and we were like a Sapling struggling for life.

In my experience, since we provide the creative force behind our present moment, we also provided the creative force behind which soil we were born into.  The difference is that one was chosen by our Soul and the other created by our Minds.

The Dove

I believe I was like a dove when I was a young boy.  I loved peace, and loved people.  I had a unique compassion and sensitivity as well as a curiosity about all things.  I loved life, loved living and searched for joy wherever I could find it.  I explored, I challenged, and I got into more trouble than I care to remember.  I loved to make people laugh and feel good about themselves.

So, the Sapling was reincarnated into a Dove.  I no longer was completely helpless, yet I was still dependent (as we all are) on my Universe for most things.  Yet, my Mind was forming and being formed.  I was experiencing things that would alter my perceptions, change my attitudes, and influence my path.

I faced challenging conditions during this part of my life.  I won’t get into too many details right now, but lets just say that it was time for another reincarnation as my life, and my environment, took yet another turn.

The Chameleon

When I was about 8 years of age, my mother remarried and we moved.  I went from a neighborhood full of kids (and a ton of friends) to a farmhouse on a busy road with few kids and few opportunities for friendship.  While I made one of the best friends I have ever had during this time, I felt lonely and completely shell shocked.  Add to that the fact that I began experiencing physical and mental abuse at about this time, well you can see the reincarnation experience.

Part of this abusive home life included isolation.  I was hardly allowed to play with my new friends (this went on for years) and they were belittled both when present and in private.  No one was “good enough” for me to be around, and I was not “good enough” to be around anyone.  This isolation and hardship created in me an alter-ego, one that became his surroundings in order to survive the experience.  Today, I call that alter-ego the “Chameleon” since he would change his colors to whatever would help him get through the moment.

I began to be unsure of who I was.  I felt no love at home and no companionship outside of it. In this phase, you have no choice but to lose sight of who you are because you are never your true self.  You are trying, failing, and recreating who you are just to get some feeling of security.  When you do this, as I was later to find out, all you do is create conditions by which insecurity and earth-shattering destruction is all but certain.

At some point, I’d say around the age of 15 or so, the Chameleon began getting tired of getting beaten and teased.  It was time for me to reincarnate yet again.

The Ass

In stark contrast to the Dove I was as a young boy, the Ass was born as my Mind began to take ownership of my existence.  I can remember the first time I stood up to my abuser.  I had a bit of blood trickling from the corner of my mouth, and I simply said “hit me again, bitch, and don’t stop until you can’t swing your arms anymore.”  It was a liberating thing, and unfortunately my Mind associated reactive violence with liberation from fear.  It began my journey as the Ass.

I began to work out hard in earnest.  I would push my body beyond its limits.  I figured that if I could torture my body (and my mind) beyond their limits, no one else would be able to come close.  I would deprive myself of food for days while exercising into a frenzy.  I began to lose weight and gain muscle quickly despite my fasting.  I was always a strong kid, but I began to not only get stronger, but to realize my own strength.  I would goad my abuser into attacking me just so I could prove to myself that I could take physical pain.  I began to want to push my pain tolerance to its limits and beyond.  I would do sit ups until I vomited, often getting right up from chucking to punch myself in the gut until I would vomit for good measure.  Whatever I did to myself I did to the extreme.

Still, I did not act out in violence to others until I was about 19.  I was still the Ass, but the Ass was growing.  I was a pacifist kid for the most part; I never wanted anyone to feel the physical or mental anguish I was experiencing.  That changed in my 20’s.

My first sexual experience was not a good one.  I was about 10 days shy of my 14th birthday, and I was taken advantage of by an 18 year old woman.  It took me decades to realize that this was abusive, and I learned it by taking a look at my relationships and how I treated women in them.  For nearly a year I was taught how dirty sex was in ways I don’t care to remember.  As my mind picked up on the fact that sexual gratification was tantamount to some kind of “happiness” (my mind, at that level, did not know what true happiness was), it began to seek it out everywhere.  I was hooked, and most of my relationships in my later teens and 20’s were destroyed by this understanding of what “happiness” was.  Women were not to be cherished for anything other than the gratification they could provide me.

Yes, that is an Ass.

I had no trust in people at this point, and didn’t want them to trust me either.  I played my part well, and played it continuously until the birth of my first daughter in 1994.  That moment changed my life (I call it my “first taste of Nirvana”) because I actually felt love for another human being.  I walked into that hospital an Ass, and left it truly wanting to change.

Another reincarnation was on its way.

The Caterpillar

On that day in April, 1994, my Soul left my body for a bit.  I looked at this little girl looking back at me and felt something completely foreign.  Imagine feeling so cold that your numb and never realize it until suddenly you sit near a roaring fire.  It’s mind-bending to say the least.

Here I was, a tough guy street fighter (and boxer) who trusted no one never shed a tear for anything or anyone, sitting in a rest room at the hospital bawling my eyes out.  My head hurt, my eyes were closed with only the vision of my little girl burned into them.  I was on my knees, not the place you really want to be in a hospital restroom, just letting go of the emotion of the moment.  I sobbed for nearly an hour, and had absolutely nothing left when I was finished.  I just wanted to see my daughter.

The Ass was letting go, reincarnating as the Caterpillar.  I wasn’t free from my torment, but I was beginning to saw away at the chains.  I knew my relationship with her mother was over at that moment.  I knew my life was going to change.  I knew pain and torment was on its way.  Somehow, though, I knew it was going to be worth it.  If not for me, at least for the little girl who was not going to have an asshole freak for a father.

The Mind, as I was going to find out in this experience, is horribly opposed to change.  It finds safety and security in the present condition, no matter how dangerous or painful that present condition is.  It took decades for me to break free.  In that period I got divorced from what was a horrible and self-defeating relationship (in some respects I had married my own mother).  I lost time with my daughter.  I lost myself and my security.  I had not lost my strength though, and in some respects I was very happy during this period of time.  Sure, I engaged in self-destructive behaviors  but I began to see those behaviors for what they were. I was breaking free.

This long process of being the Caterpillar was exactly that: long.  While seeing my behaviors for what they were, I also began to see just how deeply ingrained in me they had become.  There were times when I firmly believed that they would never end, and that I was doomed to living them.

Contrary to a vow I had made, I began a long-term relationship during this time.  This relationship was, unfortunately, doomed because it began during my time as a Caterpillar (and perhaps hers as well).  Two beautiful children and 12 years later it was very painfully over.  It was, however, necessary for me to be launched into the next phase.

There is a reason that the Caterpillar stage is known scientifically as the “feeding stage”.  I was feeding on every experience, every perspective, and every moment whether mindful or mindless in that moment.  Yet, at the end of this tumultuous time I had moved on to the next reincarnation my Soul desired to experience.

The Pupa

The interesting part of the Pupa stage of a butterfly’s metamorphosis is that it is not a universal experience.  The time of this “transition stage” varies greatly.  I think it is appropriate to suggest that I am in this stage, and that I have reincarnated again into a Pupa hanging from the Tree of Knowledge.  I haven’t quite learned to let go of this tree so that knowledge may become wisdom, but I have let go enough to begin to see the potential (and practice it a bit).

I often wonder if it is at this stage that a Caterpillar experiences being a Butterfly without actually being one.  There is no safety at this stage, but the Caterpillar must learn to let go so that the wings It has created can allow it to fly.  It must be able to know this without experiencing it.  It must learn to trust, to accept, and to recognize its own beauty through what it inspires in others.  It does not break through its cocoon until this has been accomplished, and it does not experience true flight until it is ready.

The Caterpillar has set Its intention, and has planted to seed that will grow.  No one could mistake a Butterfly for a Caterpillar (or vice versa) but the Butterfly does not exist without the Caterpillar.  It had to have each and every experience, each and every lesson and each and every tribulation in order to find Itself.

I feel this way.  I appreciate the “story” of my life for what it has taught me even if I see life through a different set of eyes.  I can release, let go, experience and, most importantly to me, be mySelf.  I can love, I can trust, I can appreciate others in a way never before possible. I can be alone, or in a crowd.  I can be still or active, happy or sad, without judgement.  I seek what makes me happy knowing full well that joy will follow me.  I have seen that when my vibrations are high, others around me are happier.  I can spread joy.  I can be non-violent (yes, I love being non-violent).  I can be a Lover and be Loved with equal abandon and energy.  I love being loved, and I love loving.

How long I will be in this stage is anyone’s guess.  Yet, I am fine being here until I am ready.  I can feel the Butterfly within me.  I can feel my wings spreading and taking flight.  I can feel the beauty that is coming because the beauty is here within me.  It is coming, and I am overjoyed.

The Butterfly stage is known scientifically as the “reproductive stage”.  For me, it is a chance to reproduce Happiness and Joy and to help others in any capacity I can.  I see what I want once I break free from the cocoon romantically, spiritually and professionally.  I have stated my intentions romantically (see “Ode to the Lover“) and spiritually (each and every moment) and am beginning to formulate my professional plan which is becoming very clear to me.  I can reproduce the feelings that raise me up over and over again if I simply make the choice to do so.

I can plant whatever seeds I want, and it is up to me to plant the ones I want to be.

What Does This Mean?

For me, this review (and the inspiration behind it) has taught me to not be too attached to the past.  I doubt a Butterfly is attached to its past, it flutters around in the present moment loving life.  Beyond that, I can find little meaning behind any of this.  Humans Being have a unique ability (or disability depending on your current point of view), we seek an understanding of our place, time and purpose in this life.  So, our pasts can be a burden if we choose to see them that way, or it can be a springboard to flight and purpose.

I hope you take some time to engage in this exercise, and that it helps you in any way it can.  It has helped me in a tremendous way as I stand on the verge of great change with my arms and heart wide open.

I see a tremendous amount of hope in the Butterfly, both for reasons stated and for reasons deeply personal to me.  It represents Hope, Courage and Experience.  It also represents the power of Love.  I patiently await its arrival.

Peace.

I feel it falling all away,

The shroud that time and mindlessness,

Fades in me today…

Lost without control,

It’s all falling free on top of me,

Just take me in your arms and heal this tattered soul.

 

Missing you…

 

Not so sure which way to turn,

But I’m turning to you and hope that you will stay,

What is all this telling me to learn?

Finding truth in lies,

I’ve got to leave all of this behind

And start anew under different Northern skies.

 

I’m found again only in your arms…

 

Signs that point to what is real,

Are pointing right at you with monuments to truth

And telling me to follow what I feel.

Somewhere dreams find themselves falling down

Between the lines of statues to the truth

Telling me…telling me your feet are on the ground.

 

And you are home…

Lotus…Still…

I feel Her in my Being,

Soul, will..

Aid me to my Seeing.

 

Calm winds of mind

Cease to be obscene,

All light that time will bind,

Fades to shades of Green.

 

I reach, She holds,

Destiny has begotten,

A dream foretold,

The Heart’s sweet bondage tauten.

 

So peace affirmed,

I’m off to sweet Desires,

My Love, confirmed,

In that which Love inspires.

 

I am here, I am now,

I’m not then and I’m not there.

I am real and not obscure,

When you take the leap with me

You’ll see

That it isn’t a leap at all.

 

The statement of intention is just that, a full commitment to what you want.  When you hesitate, you create a different version of what you want.  You want the hesitation, the doubt, as the outcome and it will manifest itself.

You can’t halfway jump into a pool of water.  Putting your toe in is not jumping, it’s putting your toe in.  If you want to jump, then jump in fully with your entire Being committed to the outcome of enjoying the immersion you seek.

See this, it is my Love,

It isn’t a half-cent or a fragment.

It is the Whole, it is the Entirety,

 It’s the part of you that’s me.

 

Love, the essence of ourSelves, isn’t hesitating.  It is fully committed to what It wants.  The mind is the hesitation, the creator of imprisonment and bondage.  To be fully free, one must see the Love and fully commit to it.  Rumi plainly describes this commitment this way with words I’ve come to cherish in my life.

“Forget safety.
Live where you fear to live.
Destroy your reputation.
Be notorious.”

Yes, be notorious.  Throw caution to the wind when you Love.  Tread in your “die zone” and enjoy the fear.  Forget all about the safety and confines your mind has created.  They don’t exist, they are all figments of your imagination.  Only Love is real.

So Love, and bask in the glow of something that rids the monsters from the shadows.  You know what to do now…

Today, during a “Power of Treatment” workshop put on by my spiritual center, we were brought to a forest during a guided meditation were we prompted to seek out a piece of nature that would speak to us.  I choose the Dogwood in my meditation for two reasons.  First, in my meditation It was there as a bright, colorful Being against a rather dark green backdrop.  The Dogwood existed even before I was prompted to seek it out, and it clearly evident as I moved through the forest we were guided to.  Second, it now has special meaning in my Heart, and has helped fill a void as I am wondering through these present moments.  I am lifted up when I see it, and I feel a connection to this tree that goes behind mere physical beauty.

We were instructed to write about our meditative experience immediately afterwards, and this is what I experienced.  Allow me to pick up the vision from where we were instructed to communicate with our piece of nature.

I walk up to the Dogwood.  It’s bright pink flowers are rustling softly in the breeze as dark, foreboding trees surround it.  Even though it is dwarfed by the surrounding forest, it still looks mighty and strong in its beauty, and I feel drawn to its power and grace.

“I’ve missed you,” I said softly to the Dogwood.  “You’ve left me feeling so alone and helpless, and I am not sure what the message is.  I need you, I want you, and yet it seems like your message to me is just the opposite.”

The Dogwood replied, “You want to love purely, absolutely.  You are burdened by the fear your ego had layered upon your Soul.  Let go, become one with Me and know Love as if for the very first time.

I have been here all along – waiting – and will be here when you return, ready to accept this joy.”

Tears filled my eyes and spilled onto my body as I let go of the Dogwood.  The Tree began to get further away from me until it faded into the forest beyond.  I sat there, feeling helpless and alone, waiting for a sign that I was loved.  As I looked around me, I noticed that where the tears had fallen on my body there were bright, pink petals.  They were the flowers of the Dogwood, and they were with me as It had always been.

Sometimes in our very human existence, we let our human fears control our vision.  We lose sight of the importance of Pure Love in our souls.  We let anger, fear, and the past dictate terms to us despite the knowledge we have of this moment.  We lose our grip on what is real as our ego controls our reality.  We are lost and alone because our egos tell us we are regardless of how much love and companionship we have in our lives.

Love is a tricky and frightening thing for the human Being, well the human (ego) part anyway.  Ego plays tricks on us, causing us to see threats where none exist and find disharmony where none resides.  Ego also plays tricks on use when we decide to reject ego.  The rejection of anything is an egoic act that will only serve to perpetuate the negative experiences in our lives (rejection is a negative).  Rather, acceptance is the key to taming the ego, or as a wise woman said to me today, “taking the large dog in the room (ego) and making it a small puppy easily controlled.”

So, I love.  I love everyone even if I have a special place in my heart for some one.  With that love, I don’t need to reject anything but can embrace only those things that are in line with who I am.  Nothing else is important.  I may not have a single “thing” in this Universe, but if I have love, and am love, I don’t need a thing either.

I will simply walk with the bright, pink petals of my Dogwood reminding me of the beauty I have in my life.  Or at least try to.

Blades of grass remember

Remember our beautiful injustice

A sweet slumber devoid of innocence

Or was it sweet innocence devoid of slumber?

The mention of Butterflies sends my mind flying.

 

Those blades swirl through the winds of my mind

To and fro as the currents shifts

I hear a Prayer appear on the horizon

Gone is the night that has plagued this Mountainside

The Butterflies have come and the flowers bloom.

 

Now I sit, alone and staring at the picture on the wall

The blades of grass are still

I sink into nothingness knowing nothing at all

Hoping…praying…pleading

For the Butterflies to return.

Darkness…

Shattered glass of a lonely streetlight…

I’m waiting, alone…

Irrelevant.

 

Disappointment…

Fingers holding on to a single crevice…

I’m dangling, alone…

Irrelevant.

 

Mystical…

Dancing swirls toward a single step…

I dance alone…

Irrelevant.

 

Silent…

Close my eyes to see the Light…

Can’t find the picture…

Irrelevant.

 

Finality…

Determined hope in a silent auction…

No bidders only watchers…

Irrelevant.

I am experiencing a class called “Foundations for Living” through the Center for Conscious Living in Moorestown, NJ.  This class has been amazingly transformative for me in showing me the power of our Minds to create and, more importantly to me, the importance of belief in the creation of our conditions.

Last night, we participated in an exercise that was kind of mind blowing for me as many others in the class.  We were to center ourselves and, without thought, write a letter to ourselves from life’s perspective.  Equally challenging (and unknown to us as we were given the assignment) was that we had to swap our letters with a partner.  The partner then had to read our letter back to us over and over again during a set time limit.

I want to share the letter Inspiration ended up writing through me in order to show you the power of this way of thinking.  It was amazing how high our vibrations were sent in seeing ourselves through a Loving perspective.  I highly recommend this exercise for everyone since we all seem way to eager to be hard on ourselves and much more resistant to Loving ourSelves.

So, here is what was written.  Remember, you have to begin with Dear (Insert Name Here) and sign in “Life”.

Dear Tom,

Thank you for having this experience. You have helped countless people in their time of need, both when you are aware of your efforts and when you aren’t.  You have helped bring three lovely people to Live, and share with them the wisdom of your experiences while allowing them to have their own.

Thank you for forgiving a past often left dark by circumstance.  Thank you for being willing to challenge yourSelf to us even the darkest of conditions to bring some light into the world.  Thank you for remaining that little boy who questioned and would not give up claiming his right to find his own Truth.

Thank you for working to leave this place better than how you found it.

Thank you for wanting to bring joy and happiness by sharing the reality of who you are.

Thank you for turning from the experience of violence to the beauty of non-violence.

Thank you for questioning the roots of the faith you were born into in such a way that the tree itself fell.

Thank you for bearing the weight of fear so that you could know Love.  Thank you for surviving the storms knowing that the rains bring the flowers that bring the beauty that you adore.  Thank you for learning to stop to learn, and for being open to the possibilities that I have to offer you.

Thank you for Being for without you I would not have been the same.

Peace,

Life

What would Life thank YOU for this moment?  Sit down, still your mind (and end your bias, fear and negativity) and have Life write you a letter.  Read it to yourself, or have someone special read it to you.  Have that someone special