Category: Short Stories (Page 44 of 46)

Looking for the Gray

April 23, 2012 / tomgrasso

Today there is much, too much, shaking in my world. The earthquakes resolve to shake my foundation at its core, create chaos out of order, and test my resolve and discipline in ways that make me question the very existence of either.

Yes, it is a time of discovery. In some respects, I feel ready to become a wanderer, a leather tramp, a searcher. In others, I feel the roots I have established are too strong to break and the reliance on me too great to leave. Today I discovered great strength and weakness, love and loss, humility and great pride. I have cried tears for a friend in his loss, laughed with a friend in her idiosyncrasies, longed for a friend in her absence, and reasoned with a friend in his mistake of judgement. I’ve been pushed away, pulled inward, and left to wonder. I have felt the tremors grow and the skies open up. And I am left to wonder why I give a fuck.

Of course I know why I give a fuck. Caring is the external expression of passion. Yes I care, yes I love, and yes I get pissed. Yes there are times when I can offer a great big hug and smile and times when I just want to beat the living hell out of something. I try to cater to the former but certainly need to deal with the latter. I hate seeing such desperate sadness in others (it takes me to a place I don’t want to go) and I hate feeling unworthy, unwanted and without understanding. I want to help, but sometimes in moments of utter desperation I need some help as well.

True, I feel like a whining pussy losing his mettle. Sometimes I like that whining pussy though. He’s vulnerable. He’s willing to learn. He’s a small boy in a room preparing for yet another in a series of the “beating of your life.” He’s the Yin. He’s been there.

In other moments I like being the brutish man who could knock your head off before you got that silly look off your face or not give two shits if you wanted him or not. He’s defended that boy more times that he can count and helped him survive countless encounters with countless morons who would hurt him. He’s the Yang. He’s been there.

Ordinarily, though, I strive to live in that fine line that separates Yin and Yang. Actually, it doesn’t separate the two, it is where they join. That thin space where Yin and Yang become One, where White and Black become Gray. Yes, that is where I usually can be found, roaming that subtle balance between the Boy and the Man, the Idiot and the Asshole, the Weak and the Strong.

I like incorporating the two. I’ve learned valuable lessons from both through untold experience. No, I am no Born Again Anything. I haven’t found Jesus on a burnt piece of toast telling me how much I am loved. No, I’m not lucky enough to have found an external crutch on which I can lean. Rather, I’ve had to find an internal strength from which to draw on. I can’t lean on a crutch, I have to stand on my own. Jesus doesn’t command me to love, I feel it inside me and I make it a light to share. Nothing is forced with me; what you see is what you get, whether it’s Black, White or Gray.

Today, as I faced down demons and angels, memories and fears. I learned quite a bit. During those moments I simply wanted to crawl into a ball and cry, I stood up and said, “I claim my right to feel humility and grief.” During those moments I wanted to beat the living tar out of some imagined foe, I stood up and said, “I claim my right to be angry and hurt.” Both actions seemed to bring me back to the center, to that place where both are One.

That, in itself, is the great testament to non-resistance. Once you allow miracles can happen. We can overturn the tables on the moneylenders and then turn around and feed those who need us. It’s in our nature to be dialectic, it’s when we resist and judge that we often find our suffering.

So, I’ll go hug my kids and dog and wait for a phone call that may or may not come. Yet, I won’t do one ounce of preparing for later. It will come if it will come. I’ll appreciate this moment and care less about the future. Well, I say all that, but I know somewhere there is that Boy who will be begging for this cup to be passed away and the Man ready to throw it at some tormentor. I know they’re there, and I will hear them. Then I will look for the Gray…

The Power of Choice

April 13, 2012 / tomgrasso

So here I was just needing to write something, anything, but having the experience of “writer’s block” that is usually very foreign to me. Usually, inspiration channels through me like breath in a way that I can neither control nor prevent. It just happens, dozens of times a day. Today, however, I just sat in silence staring at my keyboard.

Because there is so much “shit” going on in my life right now I should not have any blockage whatsoever. With some very notable exceptions, things are falling apart around me. Family that I once counted on seems to be turning their backs on me as my divorce proceeds. Ridiculous games are being played. Demands. Financial stress. Physical pain. Missing my kids. Employer bankruptcy. No, there should literally be a topic of choice at my fingertips as every single part of what I once “knew” is challenged and transformed. Finding inspiration to write really should be a like shooting fish in a barrel (although I would never do that!) but today it wasn’t. No, today I was simply blank.

Then a dear Friend, an Angel, posted a video of a great song (if you want to smile and increase your vibe just open it up…I dare you). Her heading was “The message of the day seems to be Choice…”

So, I now found myself in a type of kirtan listening to that awesome song (go ahead, you know you want to hear it) and the floodgates opened. Yes, my Friend, hallelujah!!!

Here’s what I see. Feel free to disagree if you’d like, but I kind of dare you to find error here. Not because I am Mr. Perfect and “right” but because I’ve spent a lifetime trying to prove this wrong and failed. Yes, failed. So, in essence, I am daring you to make all of the bullshit I’ve created in my life that has led me to pain and suffering somehow “right” although I can promise you will fail as I have.

Every experience we have is a lesson from which we create our futures. For instance, my experience from a young boy created a high level of distrust in people. Those experiences, to a great degree, proved to me that people were basically angry liars and cheats. Nice people were pushed around. Those who didn’t control others were lied to and bullied. Emotions were a bad thing. Yes, I was taught these lessons well from a very early age.

I was a very sensitive and peace-loving young boy who lived in a rather abusive household. I once burst out in tears in front of my entire grade school at the end of Old Yeller (the movie version) for what are, to me, obvious reasons. I remember asking “what is WRONG with you people, didn’t you feel ANYTHING when Old Yeller was shot?”. I mean seriously, how do you NOT cry at that moment?

I was a big, strong kid who should have been able to kick some ass, but I never wanted to hurt anyone. So, I would get picked on from time to time and, being in a Catholic grade school, could find no peace in the writings of Patañjali, Krishnamurti, Yogananda and others. I had the New Testament and the teaching of Jesus, but even though they seemed to promote peace and harmony it seemed the focus we were taught was placed more on control, fear and threat of hellfire. I would read the words of Jesus and think “I don’t really have anything to fear” only to be told how I was going to burn in hell while gnashing my teeth for simply touching my penis or thinking about Sally naked in a shower.

Now, imagine a 13 year old boy who could throw 100 pound bags of grain around like they were empty being picked on by a twerp who couldn’t seem to tie his shoes without mommy. That was me. Eventually, however, the violence at home (and the lessons I was being taught in other areas) and the frustration within turned me violent. That’s how I spent my 20’s and half of my 30’s. Angry, violent, lying, cheating, hating, and CREATING (but more on that in a minute). While those who knew me saw me as nice, caring, considerate (but sometimes scary), that is not how I saw myself. I wanted people to fear me so that they would keep their distance and, if they refused, I was going to emotionally hurt them away. While this was all going on, I knew this was not me, but the me I knew as a young boy didn’t seem to serve me well and this “me” did. I had made a choice, and for quite awhile I stuck to that choice like it was all I had. In other words, I felt I “had no choice” even though it was a choice that I had made.

That is my story, but it no longer has any hold on me. I’ve long forgiven that young man, and I’ve returned somewhat to that boy. I cry often when I feel the urge. I offer my hand in Love to everyone. My Creator even helped me out because, despite my Nature of Loving Compassion, I don’t get picked on. See, 6-foot tall, 240-pound men who are bald with goatees don’t ordinarily get picked on. If only I had shaved my head and had facial hair in grade school!!! Yes, I am laughing at the suggestion.

The value of this story is simple to me now. It doesn’t define me, but it certainly helps me create my future. How? Well, I can use this experience to actually KNOW something. In that knowledge I can make CHOICES. As a boy, I chose the Love that was inside of me over the fear. As I developed, I chose the fear over the Love. Now, I can use the experience of both to create not only my “Now moments” but also my future. I don’t focus on creating my future, I focus on creating my Now knowing that it will help me define my future.

So, I can look at the “shit” going on in my life and decide what I chose it to be. I can also choose whether or not I really want to make that smelly junk my focus at all. See, for each and every pound of “shit” in my life I have 10 pounds of sweet, fragrant roses. We all do if we choose to simply LOOK where the sweet smells are coming from. And while I am fortunate that I have all of these wonderful gifts in my life, I’m even more fortunate that I choose to see them. WE ALL HAVE THEM, WE ALL JUST DON’T CHOOSE TO FOCUS ON THEM.

So, what do you choose to see today? Do you choose to see the obstacles or the goal? Do you choose to see the Love or the fear? Do you choose to choose or do you simply give that power to someone else (see how silly that sounds)? Do you choose to focus on the roadblocks you’ve created to your Happiness or the Happiness itself? Whatever you choose remember, it’s YOUR choice. You are the Power, the Creator, and the magic that you often pray for is within your power to create simply by choosing to do so.

Today, I choose to Love you. I choose to cherish you. I choose to let these tears flow freely down my face as I listen to this song for the dozenth time realizing just how much in Love with this Life I AM. I want to feed you, clothe you, wash your feet, forgive you, hold you, protect you and, most of all, not get in the way of your choice. I want to plant the seeds in my Being that allow me to be and do all of these things. I want to water those seeds. I want to shed Light on them.

Right now I smell roses even as my dog is trying her best to remind me of the other smell (go away Juno!!). Someone once said (I’ve added the word in parentheses) “Forgiveness (Love) is the fragrance that the flower leaves on the heel of the one that has crushed it.” Unlike the flower, we humans Being have a choice. I envy the flower sometimes, but I also believe the flower would envy me if it had the choice to do so. It’s the exercise of our free will, the Power of Choice, that make us who we are in this unique experience of Living. Don’t overlook it. Cherish it.

Now, I know I dared you to prove me wrong. Minds greater than mine are working overtime to show me up. All one need to is watch the news to see proof of that. Still, here’s one I heard very recently from a friend:

“I didn’t choose to get sick.”

Maybe not, but you choose to view your illness in the way that you did. I don’t want to get into the minutia (a word dedicated to my friend Lisa) about how lifestyle choices can make you sick, that’s not the point here (although many of us, including me, could stand to make some better choices in that area).

Recently I was challenged by straining the ligaments in my right foot on one week and then my left foot the next (I go mostly barefoot from the beginning of spring to the end of fall and that transition sometimes causes me to hurt my feet). Now, I choose the “woe be me” space more than once during the days of pain. Mostly though, I decided to choose to learn something from it. I read more, and relied on others more to help me take the dog out and clean up. I began to see things from the perspective of people who can’t get around. I challenged my beliefs about certain things, particularly about the strengthening exercises my doctor gave me last year when this happened (wow, he may actually know SOMETHING other than how to fill out a prescription!!). I learned I have friends who care about me intensely. I learned the value of being able to walk, run, and actually move. Yes, I’ve learned a lot over these last couple of weeks.

Most of all, I learned that I have a choice. I chose not to do my exercises over the winter, so in effect I chose to have my feet hurt this spring. I chose to use the down time to learn, observe and count on others. I chose to ignore the pain to do the Climb for Air walk in Philly, which meant that I chose more pain afterward. I chose to focus on the repugnant smells around me and ignore the roses. I created it all…and can only say “how wonderful of me!”

Alright, enough of the soap box. You get the point, now do as you will with it.

Peace!

Love Your Executioner

March 19, 2012 / tomgrasso

I can feel the shackles coming off. Boundaries set by others, boundaries I have set on others, and shackles self-imposed that once bound me to the ground are falling by the wayside. I can feel my arms opening, my heart being left without defense, and my soul being bared by each moment I’m alive.

It’s liberating even if I am only just beginning!

Now, I am imagining the ideas of “right and wrong” I once had and shared with those around me. Was I really wrong or did I simply not share the perspectives of others who judged me as wrong? Was I sinning or was I simply being contrary to the IDEAS of behavior pressed upon me? Was I reacting to fear, or was I having the experience necessary to end fear’s hold on my mind?

Was it all wrong?

I certainly know that I appreciate these moments of light because of the experience of darkness I have had. I certainly know that I am grateful for the Love in my life because of the experience of fear I have had. I’m not sure, right now, that any of it was wrong. It was right in some respects. Each moment of suffering, whether my own or shared, defined my vision of Self and the way I wanted to be. If this is true, how can those moments be wrong?

Sin, to me, is a guide. It simply means that, at most levels, the experience of sin is necessary in order to experience a moment free from sin. Since this life experience I have had has been fraught with suffering and denial, I am able to truly know freedom, Love and acceptance.

So, it seems necessary to stop “beating myself up” for things. They happened, just like a major earthquake, and now it is time to move on. The earth shook, so the question remained, “what will I do now?”

I could sit and wallow in suffering as I have, or I can take the experience and use it to benefit others. I can sit and cry amidst the rubble, or I can start removing it to help others. I can blame God for the devastation or I can begin cleaning it up. I can remain in judgement and misery or I can find joy in the work of forgiving and Loving.

So, guess which I choose?

I choose to surround myself with loving, caring spiritual guides who magnify my vision. I can love them unequivocally without role playing, without pretension, and without reservation. I can share in their experience rather than own it. I can offer them a hand and have them take it or leave it without judgement. I can be mySelf.

Yes, that is liberating and I wish I could simply wave a wand and have everyone enjoy it. That would be counterproductive, because without those who reserve their love, or role play, or act in pretentiousness I could not truly experience anything else. They need to make the shift on their own, as their own experience and understanding is the best “wand” ever created. They need to be who they are without my interference.

That, my friends, is why I love these “challenges” as much as I love all of you! I love those who wish to bind me to “past roles” as much as I love those who allow me to be “me.” I love those who judge me as much as I love those who accept me. I love those who challenge me with their rules, rites and rituals as much as I love those who require nothing.

“Love one another as I have loved you,” is to say, “love your executioner as much as you love your lover.” Why? Both are equally important to the experience you are here to have, and if you condemn one you condemn your experience. If you condemn your experience you are condemning yourself. You cannot experience happiness in condemnation.

It appears, from my perspective, that we are way too busy condemning ourselves and our experiences to actually enJoy them. We plant negative seeds in everything we do, then we water them and give them food. When they sprout, we condemn them as if we had no part in their growth. We get tangled in the weeds we have planted and nurtured, condemn the weeds we have planted and nurtured, and then blame someone or something else for the condition we find ourselves in. All the while, we were in control, and we were the problem.

So, I am not “pulling the weeds.” I am embracing them and seeing how they got there. I am also planting different seeds. Soon enough, the weeds themselves will fade. They need attention to live, and I refuse to give them the attention they crave.

I love this present with all my heart. Whether alone or with the love of my children embracing me I am happy. Whether talking to the walls or being surrounded by the Love of friends I am at peace. I needed this, and now that I have it I simply want to feed it, water it and give it the sunshine it needs to dominate my landscape. YES!!

Peace!

Ode to the Lover

March 15, 2012 / tomgrasso

I walked silently through the mist into your arms. You loved me, you cherished me, you gave me sight and showed me unending gratitude. You held me up, you showed me a way, and as you gently kissed my lips I knew I was Home.

So begins my inspiration. Imagine a love so strong yet so tender as to be a rock and a sheet of silk at the same time. Imagine the acceptance, the trust, the loyalty all combined with the frailty and the humanity of the Creator. That is the Love I feel in my heart at this very moment, the love that is inspiring me beyond these mere words.

It’s not friendship, although we call it that. It’s not sex, although we call it that too. It’s not even love, although we often entangle the egoic meaning of that word with it. It is Love, God, Being, Self…words hardly capable of accurately describing but surely necessary to communicate the feeling and sheer emotion of the moment Love hits you where the ego once stood.

It is that moment that you cast away old demons even if they do return from time to time. It is that moment that you don’t seek the self but offer the Self. It is that moment when you turn from the “lower” versions of you to the higher version of You. It is that moment when you, to borrow a Dyer euphemism, “let go and let God.” It is a moment of shear beauty when the stories you have told and live by cease to exist. It is a moment so clear in your state of being as to need absolutely no interpretation. It is Heaven, Nirvana, Enlightenment.

You are Home.

Life will interrupt these moments of shear Pleasure. It has to, as the purpose of life is to experience. Your experience would be quite absent without the Yin to Yang. The river of your life could not flow to the Great Ocean without the journey, and the Ocean itself would dry up in the midst of a drought of such experience. A Voice commands me, “Go with it my friend, hold onto the pain and the Pleasure alike. Take the loneliness with the camaraderie, take the droughts with the inundation of rain, take the earth quaking beneath your feet along with the solid ground. Absorb it all, and let each show you the way.” I follow the command.

Entangled in sweat, the heated exchange of a million moments resolved in the essence of this one you have taken me. The screams of your pleasure provide me my own my Love, the moment of climax not the end but merely another beginning. You own me and I you without claim, you are my queen and I your king; my goddess and I your god.

We discover a new chapter, and begin to write a book the world will surely read albeit in a language most will not understand. Gone are the judgments that bind us; replaced with the foundation of Spirit entangled in our human purpose. At points you will be White to my Black, and others the opposite, but we will surely meet in the middle where the purest form of Love resides. Gone will be the bars that housed us replaced by the sweet bondage of something pure, warm and selfless. Each touch will bring a chill; each moment a memory to be replaced by another.

I draw a line with my finger down the small of your back. Your skin responds, your embrace invites me to provide you more. No words are exchanged as none are needed. Heaven itself is in our midst, and we enjoy the sweet nectar of something beyond the physical. You invite me in and I accept. Such is the realm of this Divine royalty.

To be so lost is to be so found. To be near the end is to find such a sweet and new beginning. To rid yourself of the tattered and rotting clothes you once clung to is to stand naked before the Universe. I love this nakedness. I love the tear stained rags I have left discarded on the sand. I love the sting of the Ocean as it cleanses my wounds. I love the chill of the wind as it wipes me of my false manhood. “Embrace it all and know it well, for it is the only way to heal,” offers a Voice from beyond. I will never know the Truth if I hold on to the lie; I will never know reality if I refuse to wake from the dream.

I love mySelf so that I may love You. I see the Divine in mySelf lest I ignore the Divine in You. I am joyful in your joy, pleasured by your ecstasy, emboldened by your bravery. You are more than the Moon, more than the Sun, more than the Angels themselves. I honor you by honoring me, and I love you with each breath of my soul. I bleed drops of blood made red by your Being. The arms I extend are not empty, and they are strong in the resolve to give all I have to give in them.

Peace to you, my Love. I hold you now in my heart, know you in my dreams and sing for you in my Soul. I humbly reside in my Aloneness and cast away all that I was for all that I am.

What ever happened to REAL communication?

March 12, 2012 / tomgrasso

We text. We email. And then we wonder why we communicate so poorly. Of course I am broadly generalizing here, but overall it seems like an affliction dominating our society’s poor track record on relationships.

Amazing, huh? We have lost the ability to listen to each other unless we are READING. We have lost the ability to properly use our voices to express ourselves. We can’t seem to talk to each other unless we are TYPING. Worse, if we aren’t having 4 conversations at once we lose our ability to focus on the communication we are having. We feel “empty” if we are not typing away to 5 different people at a time…so much so that we can’t seem to simply look into someone’s eyes and feel what they are saying to us.

I must say that I haven’t texted, FB messaged, or emailed in my personal life as much as I have in the past two months. I’m used to emailing for business related communication as it is the preferred method of busy professionals everywhere. Personally, however, I must say that I am getting sick of this method of communication with those I like, love, or want to talk to. My thumbs are telling me to STOP. My eyes are telling me to STOP. Most of all, my mouth is telling me to start using it and to to begin ignoring the incessant beeps and vibrations of my phone and to start using it to TALK to people. I miss voices. I miss hearing a laugh instead of seeing an “LOL”. I miss feeling the emotion of someone instead of reading a bland response.

I don’t really believe I can end the electronic communication. I just don’t want it to be my primary method anymore.

So, FRIENDS…call me. People I am getting to know, call me. Please, just help a brother out and give my sore thumbs and my restless ears some work. Let me know if I can call YOU…since I’m not sure many know how to even answer their phones anymore (this is an attempt at HUMOR!!).

Anyway…

Share, Don’t Prevent, Another’s Suffering

March 12, 2012 / tomgrasso

Let me clarify at the beginning that by “suffering” in this post I mean EMOTIONAL suffering, not physical suffering. It’s an important distinction here, since I believe the roots of emotional suffering are different than the roots of physical suffering. With that in mind, allow me to continue.

The question is not whether or not you will “stand by me,” but whether or not I will stand by YOU. I can’t be concerned with your actions, regardless of what my ego says I’d like to have happen. What I can do, however, is understand my own truth and simply live up to it.

I say “simply” but certainly understand there usually is nothing “simple” about it. In the battle between ego and awareness our minds often cater to the lowest common denominator. While it is true we must be at our most aware during these moments, it also seems true that we also must have the very human experience of catering to that low point. We must suffer, it seems, to have the human experience to its fullest even as we strive to attain a place where no suffering appears.

Is the hand giving or taking? Grasping or patiently waiting? The perception is yours to make...

The question I am asking is whether or not I should I cry with those suffering, hold them, yell with them, fight alongside them, or should I seek the end of those experiences?

What is wrong with those experiences anyway? What’s wrong with having a good breakdown when your relationship fails? What is wrong with crumbling to the floor when what is doesn’t jive with what you want to be? What is wrong with being human? Why do we hate who we are so much as to always be seeking that which we are NOT?

More importantly, to this thought anyway, why do I feel the need to make someone who is sad smile? Why do I have to say to them (abstractly of course) “you are suffering, that is wrong, and I will help you change it?” Why can’t I simply hold their hand and share in the experience as if it is absolutely perfect in the moment?

Sadness doesn’t make a person who is beautiful suddenly ugly. Not to me anyway. In fact, it highlights their beauty to me. Their suffering doesn’t make them suddenly unappealing to me, if fact it is a common thing we have as human beings. What the suffering of someone we care about does is fundamentally scare us. We want to end their suffering because we want someone to magically end our own. We want to make them smile when they are sad because we want an end to our sadness. Our actions have as much to do with our own needs as it does with those who we care about.

I’d suggest not trying to end suffering. Don’t comfort to end sadness, comfort to share it. Don’t crack a joke to make someone crying suddenly burst out in laughter, just sit and cry with them. Don’t hold them to say “it’s alright, it will be over soon,” but rather hold them as if to say “I am here with you, in this moment right here and right now, and we will walk through this together.”

If that provides comfort, so be it. In this way, the one suffering is doing the comforting, and you are simply sharing in the process. Don’t interfere with the process, simply share in it. Imagine how close two people SHARING in sadness become in that shared experience? When you walk through the fires of hell with someone isn’t that something more beneficial than preventing the walk in the first place? I’d believe so.

Smile, Simply Smile.

March 11, 2012 / tomgrasso

Imagine the sun did not rise. The darkness of night remained and chill of the evening air defined the utter darkness. Which part of you would be the one that noticed?

We are all stuck in the bleakness of our mind,

Replaying the fantasy of a dream created long ago,

Resistant to the change that reality has forced upon us,

Wondering what we should do when the Earth begins to tremble…

Do we cater to the illusion or embrace the truth?

Do we hold tightly to that which used to make us who we were,

Or do we let go and find the truth that makes us who we are?

Ah, the painful decision is one we often run away from.

If we love something, do we let it go for its sake?

Or do we let it go for our own, since we don’t own it be begin with?

Do we grasp at it like children grasping for a dandelion seed

Finally freed from its parental grasp?

I do not ask to be anonymous, I ask to be special. I want you to want me, to hold me, to need me and to love me. I want you to lust for me, desire me, crave me and no other.

Like a caged bird I longed for your reaction.

Trained to be a parody of my Self as I react to your every whim.

I want to be wrapped up in you, so much so that I lost who I am,

“You are lost,” said the Sea to the Fish.

“I am drowning,” I replied.

I needed the water so much I forgot how to swim.

I so worried about the inhalation that I forgot how to breathe.

So the Fish drowned in the Sea without even realizing it.

I have lived without ever knowing it. I have been dreaming but now feel awake. What I thought was light was nothing but darkness disguised by my own desire; my own beliefs of what I thought was “me.”

The little boy huddled in the corner of the room longed for this day.

He suffered, and in some ways died, for this moment of Resurrection.

He could hear his own screams in the night and feel the tears stream down his face,

In most ways he was more awake than the man he gave way to.

The man insulted this boy’s suffering, pissed on his endurance and shackled his spirit.

The boy had endured so much for the man, and the man threw away the lessons and trampled on his memory.

He walked about blindly did the man, while the boy screamed “who the fuck do you think you are?”

“I am you my son,” even as the boy replied “you are nothing like me.”

I have climbed the tree, and I have set myself. I am ready to change and to fly. I am seeking Love rather than the self that once defined me.

I could feel the cocoon restraining me.

I would cry out in the night and beg for an end to the pain.

I would curse the fucker who beat me, so punish the menace who threatened me, and seek out the Executioner dressed as someone who loved me.

Fuck them all before they fuck me.

The cocoon would not give way, the Universe demanded more of me than I ever thought I could give,

Now I see Her, the Future, the Unknown,

And I try to reach out my hand to her in unbridled loving passion

Only to be restrained in the prison of my mind.

“You are not ready yet, you still seek to live on bread alone” came the answer.

“When you know the Truth you shall be free, and She will be waiting for you.”

I close my eyes and bow my head, and seek the silence that calms my weary mind.

And find the patience that will see me through the darkness.

Alas, my son, a Butterfly will appear. You will spread your wings and fly and know yourself as if for the very first time. You will never seek, but you will find. You will not want, but will have more than you could have ever imagined. You will spread a smile by your appearance and give joy just by being who you are. It will come, you just need to be patient.

Suffering has brought you to a place where survival was not assured.

Love will bring you from it to a place where survival is all but guaranteed.

Be still, and know that it is coming!

Be silent, and have all that you will ever need.

For soon you shall be who you were always,

Before the ideas of the mind crept in. Then She will come,

And you will know Her, and know that you are there.

The embrace you feel will be unlike any other, the kiss you share will light up the world.

So be patient, and rejoice!

For the end is near so that the beginning can be born,

What you knew will disappear and what you know will be all that remains.

Smile…simply smile.

The Idea of Walking Away (or A Way)

February 17, 2012 / tomgrasso

AMEN!

I have been suppressing a feeling deep inside me for the last few weeks. I simply want to pack up a few things and leave. I want to walk wherever I end up, sleep wherever I must, eat whatever the Universe provides and never look back.

I guess this is the product of a lifetime of suffering; some self-inflicted and some not-so-much. You know the line from Eddie Vedder’s “Society” that says, “Society, I hope you’re not lonely without me?” Well, I know that society, at least the one I currently live in, won’t miss me but for a few moments before moving on the brighter and greener pastures.

I have children. Some would say they would miss me. I know they would for a time, but they have a tremendous infrastructure to help them get over whatever sense of immediate loss they may feel. I will, after all, be replaced in their life someday anyway (at least in part), so I see no real need to be here right now. Besides, as a great guru of mine continues to tell me, “stop thinking, just be.” Well, the part of me that is “just being” wants away from here, wants to find himself, and wants to end this idiotic notion that anyone truly loves or needs him.

In fact, the only things that have kept me from packing up my bag and walking are my children. See, I love them with all of my heart and soul. Yet, in about a week, I am going to be a part of something that turns their life upside down. I want NO part of it…for every time I will be acting like it is something I want or endorse I will be lying to them. I have to smile for them when I want to cry with them. I have to be strong when all I want to do is fall to the floor and be swept away. I have to pretend all over again that I am something I am not.

Part of me is saying “Bullshit. You don’t want this (even if you do want the be healed). You didn’t ask for this (even if you were blind and stupid). You didn’t want to become hardly a friend in something that was so much more once. You were forced here and now you are being forced to pretend that the world is rosy when, in fact, it smells like the foulest shit ever produced.”

There is some truth to this. I have stepped in the foulest smelling pile of shit ever produced and the people I count on the most for support and honesty are trying to tell me how wonderful it smells. At least they are trying to tell me that it doesn’t smell as repugnant as it does which is, in fact, a lie that only makes it smell worse. I want to scream “stop lying to me and tell me the fucking TRUTH.”

Of course I realize that to them it may smell quite nice. After all, a dog loves the smell of his own shit. They crapped it out, so it probably doesn’t smell bad to them at all. I am, however, vomiting each and every time I inhale.

Now, before you, the reader, gets all stymied with the “you are depressed” idea, allow me to say that I believe I clearly know my place in the lives of those around me. I have friends, family, and awesome mentors in my life. I am sick of being the guy who is not needed and not loved. I am sick of being the guy who is left, the guy who is treated like he is a demon who needs to be exorcised. I am sick of guessing what she or they feel about me. Most of all, I am sick of not feeling good enough to warrant sacrifice and acceptance.

Since this is the season of Valentines Day (the Latin “valens” meaning, in part, “worthwhile“) I have been forced to look at my place in the world with an objectivity created by the reality of the moment. I am not worthwhile. In fact, I am being forced today to live my life at the whim of another completely unsure of what tomorrow will bring. I have no security, no idea, no comfort and absolutely no understanding or acceptance from anyone I need it from.

So, in essence it comes down to this. Do I continue the torment of being treated like I hardly exist in relationships where I hardly matter or do I walk away? Do I pack up very few belongings and just set off toward the sunset and see where it takes me? There is a part of me that smiles at the idea of knowing where I stand for a change and of knowing who I am. If I am a homeless bum then I am a homeless bum…I need expect or receive anything from anyone that suggests I am anything other than a homeless bum. I won’t expect acceptance, or love, or compassion or anything.

Yes, there is a certain freedom to that notion. I won’t need to guess about my place in anyone’s life. I won’t need to be disappointed in the complete lack of acceptance I seem to experience. Most of all, I won’t need to be consistently reminded of how I once “caught a bolt of lightning” nor will I have to “curse the day he let it go.” (Name that song for a smile!) Yes, there is a certain freedom to that notion of being able to decide for yourself that you no longer need to be reminded of the failures, the pain and the fact that you are no longer loved by those you love the most. I will know where I stand, and yes there is something wonderful about that idea.

I will leave it up to the Universe for now. I am nervous in the idea for sure…although not for the idea of survival. I don’t care if I survive actually, I just want a moment in my life where I know where I stand without thinking I know or hoping I am right. Is that worth dying for? Yes, in my mind it is even if it is just an experience I get to have for a very short period of time. Such is my disgust and disdain for my current condition.

I do admit that I am in and out of my disgust. Sometimes I can feel love from others, and it seems to change the way the room smells. Sometimes I can see rays of hope peaking through the clouds that brighten the day. In those moments I see something worth fighting and working for. Those moments are fleeting however and are usually replaced by the understanding that they probably only exist in MY mind. I want them to be there so they are there, and once I start seeing reality again they fade and the smell returns.

Well, I am not sure what this afternoon will bring let alone tomorrow. I can say that I pray for some clarity quite regularly even if I am not sure what version of “reality” is the clear one. I have little help in determining that and I am on my own. So…I guess we’ll just have to see where this wave takes me.

Peace.

Love this Picture!

Let the Light Shine In (and Out)

February 13, 2012 / tomgrasso

The amazing part about experiencing a deep depression, for me, is what is happening since I survived what seems to be the worst of it. It is this “afterward” experience that would cause me to not only ask, but literally beg, anyone who is having such an experience with depression to do their best to “get through it.” Yes, brighter days will be upon you!

I’ve detailed a small part of my recent experience with an absolutely depressing experience. I’ve been dealing with the waves of fear, anger, sadness, and doubt that come along with the experience I am having, but today I am happy to announce that I have had a wonderful experience of love, understanding and acceptance. Yes, my friends, this moment – this experience I am having now – was well worth the effort that survival took.

And yes, that survival took more effort than I ever thought I could manage.

Today I was fortunate enough to look at someone I have loved for a huge chunk of my life differently. I am not saying that I squinted my eyes, or put rose-colored glasses on, or changed the lighting in the room. I am saying that I had an experience that caused me to see her differently. I won’t get into detail here (the details will be reserved for her at the appropriate time), but let me say that every moment of pain and suffering came into view as if I was looking at the “Big Bang” in reverse. All of the outward doubt, fear, anger and suppressed resentment came rushing at her as if a shock wave was being played backwards. It then disappeared into her somewhere, and all that was left was a radiant light and a knowledge that light itself was all that mattered.

Of course my ego suggested I was crazy, and that the nights of failed sleep and the constant barrage of thoughts had finally caught up with me. In fact, it tried to prove I was crazy by saying something completely stupid to ruin that moment. Yet, there I stood for what must have been a millisecond to the outside world for what was an eternity to me. I was basking in the glow of something much different than what I had seen before. I felt intensely focused and completely ready to heal. The bandages were not only removed, but forgiveness and love immediately poured into the exposed wound, making it barely noticeable.

“This is Love,” came the Light. “It banished everything else.”

Yes, I feel fucking crazy. Yes, I hesitate to write this because I realize that you will think I am crazy too. The irony of that amazes me. Here it was not but a few days ago I was writing about a moment in which I nearly ended this life and that hardly made me crazy. Seeing another human being in the Light of Love and knowing it, well that makes me not only a bit unusual, but also a bit crazy. Or is it the fact that the Light spoke to me?
First, I never said it spoke to me, I said it “came.” In other words, I had an understanding without speaking a word or hearing a word. It was just there like the hair on my toe knuckle except, of course, it was much more attractive.

Ok, I am projecting. Yes, I believe I am a bit crazy. Given what I have experienced in my life I will take THIS crazy over the OTHER crazy any day. I got up from the chair I was sitting on and went outside without even remembering the action. I left the room and can’t even remember how. I just remember how tremendously awesome I felt and how absolutely bright the world around me looked. Most of all, I remember that she was there for it, as she has been there for so many remarkable and not-so-remarkable moments in my life. It seemed perfect, it seemed appropriate, and it seemed very fitting given the complications of it all.

It’s important to note that she is not the important part here except in the appropriateness of her place in the experience. This experience may actually be a burden to her. I am not suggesting that it is, I am suggesting that I have no idea if it is or isn’t. It wasn’t her experience, it was mine. She just happened to be the Mona Lisa at the very moment I discovered that I loved art. I believe this is important because I often want to burden someone else with the experience I am having. It’s like forcing a homeless man who wants to sleep to stay wide awake to eat a meal because it makes me feel good to give it to him. I don’t want to do this here, I simply want to explain the experience in total as it happened. She just happened to be the focal point of it (which may, or may not, be a coincidence).

So I have felt like I am on that proverbial Cloud 9 ever since. My sense of humor has returned in force. I am not so worried about the future, nor am I so concerned about the past. I have THIS moment, and what could be better? I am not worried about the status of any relationship (even this one). I am not all wrapped up in the debate my mind has had constantly with itself. I simply am dedicated in this moment and am “focused intently and with loving intensity on healing and progress….” (to quote my Facebook status I barely remember typing).

I am not suggesting that this feeling will last. I am suggesting that I don’t care if it does. Right now is good enough for me. I BELIEVE is the appropriate affirmation of this moment. I believe in Love. I believe in Light. I believe in Now.

The rest, well that will take care of itself in perfect harmony even if it happens to sound like finger nails on a blackboard as life sings it into my ear. Life will sing and I will be forced to listen even if I am left kicking and screaming in the corner of the room. I could, however, decide to dance to the tune when acting like a baby doesn’t seem to jive with the moment. Maybe I am simply dancing…

Enough. Many of you are probably saying (to quote a rather intellectual and wise sage) “shut the fuck up and let me suffer!” I am responding “go to it but please, whatever you do, live through it. The tunnel is very dark and lonely, but the light on the other end is absolutely brilliant.” Of course I am not sure I am on the other end, I may just be rounding a turn for all I know. The light right here, however, is absolutely brilliant and was worth the pain that brought me here. I’ll take it.

Right now, well the buzzer on my clothes dryer keeps going off and I want to take a baseball bat to it. Ah it feels good to be BACK, even if I am not so sure I was ever here to begin with. That, however, is another story!

Peace!

Discovery….

January 31, 2012 / tomgrasso

I have discovered a great and vast Ocean…and I haven’t walked a step…♥