Category: Short Stories (Page 43 of 46)

The Pond

July 16, 2012 / tomgrasso

“It is not what you look at that matters, it is what you see.” ~ Henry David Thoreau

…

Love is the greatest source of pleasure and pain ever created by the Universe. It proves to us we are alive, and gives us a reason to look at ourselves through eyes full of both clarity and clouds of tears. It sums up the human experience provided we experience its opposite, and such a relationship between love and fear allows us to know who we are.

In Love, we can both experience the suredness of solid ground but also the impermanence of our own foundations. We can observe the unsteady security of where we stand, and we can easily lose our focus unsure of our own existence. We can seek the safety of the ground while flying high above the clouds, and once landed seek to fly again. We can feel grounded while floating among the stars if for only a moment to realize that the ground is nothing more than a figment of our imagination. The real glory lies here among the stars if only I could shut my mind down long enough to see them.

The mind’s purpose in this seems to be to both define and distort Love. When I see the mind working, and I ignore it, Love stands as the foundation for my life’s purpose. I feel Love, I am in love, and I know where I am clearly and without reservation. When in mindless focus, I hear the voices of the past dictate to me what this is. The mind creates stories, withholds truths, plays games and creates conditions by which Love is, and surely this distortion creates the suffering that only Lovers know. We create conditions, we create stories, we play games and then we suffer from them.

The Pond

So, you come upon a pond. It’s still waters invite you as you feel a thirst within you. You walk to its peaceful shores and kneel to take a drink.

You pause, seeing its beauty you don’t want to disturb. Such tranquility, such peace and such beauty are found in this place that even

Photo by Tom Grasso

through your thirst you take a moment to soak it in. Soon, however, the thirst takes over and you cup your hand to drink.

You break through the surface of the still water creating ripples that extend far beyond where your hand meets the water. You drink, feeling the coolness of what the pond offers travel all the way down into your Soul. You realize now how dry you were, and you now cup both hands to drink larger quantities of water. The ripples are now larger, but you fail to notice because you are now focused on your thirst. Soon, you are full of the water and you barely notice the pond at all.

Your thirst satisfied, you now realize that you are hot from the afternoon sun. You strip naked, and dive into the pond without paying attention. You reopen an old wound on a rock and the once-clear waters are now stained with the blood from this wound. You are now bathing in a mixture of the pond and your open wound, they have almost become one. You splash and play creating some fresh wounds in the process. The pond is no longer a beautiful, peaceful place but rather a place of turmoil and injury. You lose sight of what drew you here in the first place and become selfish in your need for more. The once calm shorelines of this pond are now rough with the wakes created by the action/reaction of flesh, mind and water. The waters once crystal clear are now clouded by the silt stirred from the bottom and the blood from wounds created in mindless activity.

Soon, you are near drowning with exhaustion, and you begin to fear the pond. You barely make it back to shore when you collapse.

Photo by Tom Grasso

You look at the cloudy waters of this now rough pond and you wonder what ever led you to such an ugly place in the first place. You dry off, pick yourself up off the sand and travel onward until the thirst returns. The pond becomes still again, and the silt once again settles to the bottom revealing a calm, peaceful, pristine place. Another traveler will soon be welcomed here, drawn by the beauty of this place.

A Choice

We all have a choice when we find our pond. We can’t help the stories our lives have created in us. We cannot help the wounds we bear from our journey. We all get thirsty, and we all want comfort. Yet, we often find our search for satisfaction creates the opposite in those we cherish the most. We aren’t satisfied with just a drink, we need the entire cup. We aren’t satisfied with the immersion of our Selves into the cool waters on a hot summer day we need more. We aren’t mindful of our actions and the reactions they cause. We forget that the pond has silt on its bottom, and we have our wounds, and mindlessness only seeks to activate both.

We all have a choice to make in our own relationships. Remember what drew you to her in the first place. Remember the beauty of this pond and the reflection its stillness provided. Remember that your story is only important if you make it important; your wounds will only reopen if you push them to break and if they open they only matter if you allow them to bleed.

Drink from the pond with care. Walk in, but do so with peace in your purpose. Sit, and enjoy this place and the moment you have. Allow it to embrace you, to comfort you, to hold you up and offer you a place to relax. When the winds come and the waters become rough, all it to be without your wounds being opened. Sense that “this storm too shall pass” and that what drew you here in the first place will return. Remember that the tears that you shed become One with this pond. Be still as often as you can be. Enjoy.

This is the lesson I have learned painfully over the past few months. I realize that I don’t want to leave this place, that exhaustion too is impermanent. I love it here, and I want to be here in the stillness and peace that Love provides me. It’s beautiful here, and in knowing this I can only ask for forgiveness and healing as I wait for the waters to become peaceful again.

The Comfort Zone

July 16, 2012 / tomgrasso

Source: Dashama Konah (Facebook)

Life is a series of events threaded together to give us a “movie” version of still events. At least that is how I see it.

Recently I have been challenged and in that challenge have not only had to step way outside my comfort zone but also had to reflect on the experience. This was not your ordinary “I dove into the pool without feeling the water” step, it was more like I dove out of a plane chasing a parachute someone had thrown out of it. I didn’t plan on stepping off that plane and free-falling without security, but step off I did. I’m still not sure what the outcome will be other than saying that the joy is in the flying as long as I don’t think about the landing…

So, here I am flying through the air not truly enjoying the experience. Why? Because I know that at some point gravity will win and I will hit the ground while most likely not living through the experience of landing. That is what experience, “common sense” and what knowledge I have on the subjects of gravity and human flight have told me. I cannot survive this plummet without a parachute, and even with one survival is not guaranteed. So I desperately search for the security of the free-falling parachute because I don’t want to feel pain or die.

And I begin to question why I jumped out of the plane in the first place. Why did I jump? What insanity drove me to step off a perfectly good airplane into something unknown? At this moment in fear I question everything. I probably even start to flap my arms believing that I could stop my descent or perhaps even fly. I begin to reason that maybe the landing won’t be so bad, and I begin to resist the knowing of what is to come. My human mind ignores what my scientific mind is telling me.

In all of this commotion, I forget to enjoy the experience of now. How great would it be to take flight? How about the rush of air over my skin, the sunlight on my back? How about the sensation of falling? How about embracing the clouds as I pass through them? The end is inevitable, but to lose sight of the present moment for something I cannot change is the insanity. Why am I not just enjoying the ride as I look for the parachute that could change everything?

Fear: Friend or Foe?

Fear does this to us. It distorts the present moment if we allow it to. I do believe that fear is not only a very necessary component to our human existence, but that it can be our friend if we don’t cater to it. If fear controls us, rather than the other way around, we get a distorted and sometimes fatal view of our existence. Hitting the ground is the inevitability of our existence here, and if we focus on

Source: chrisroll

that or some magical afterlife we are doomed to miss out on the still photos that will become the movie of our time here.

So, back to our analogy. I know my end is near even if I survive this tumble through our atmosphere. I will die someday, so why not choose to live this moment? I come to peace with the future as just a dream since it does not exist beyond my mind’s creation. I have nothing to fear now in this future just as there are no monsters under my bed or no boogie man hiding in the dark corner of my room. Neither exists in that present moment when I shine a light into them, and the monsters I thought were there become nothing more than the empty air I now tumble through. The present moment becomes that light I shine into the dark corners I fear.

This helps me focus on now. There is a calmness that comes with that type of presence that some would call “silent strength”. You can feel intention course through you like a laser. As you become calm you are ripe with purpose. My present moment is enjoying the fall as I look for the parachute. After all, there is a reason I stepped off that plane even if I can’t explain it. That reason was to enjoy this experience; the one I have having right now.

Now I begin to feel the air rush over my skin. It is exhilarating and aids me in the focus. Now I can feel the sun warming my back as I peer downward at the clouds. Through their whiteness I can see the ground below, but my focus remains on the emptiness of this air I tumble in. Air is a remarkable thing, you can’t see it but you always know it is there. Without it you cannot survive which leads me to another analogy I created once when discussing Love (or my understanding of Love. Yes, I speak best when speaking in analogies):

There are two large boxes. One is normal and one is a vacuum. They look identical as you look at them, so what’s the difference between the two? There is none until you try to breathe. Love is the same thing. Egoic love and True Love may look identical, but just wait until you try to breathe… 🙂

That’s another story for another time. In this one, I focus my ADD-ridden mind on my comfort zone. As I tumble to earth…no, let me change that to appreciate the present moment…as I have the experience of falling for the first time I am now enjoying it. I am present and serene. I embrace all that is in this moment without concern for what may be because what may be does not exist. I am in joy! Happiness always seems to fill the void left when we push fear out of our present moments. It is, however, the fear that allows us to not only understand, but be grateful for, the happiness in this moment. It’s like taking that first sip of cool water after working hard in the heat, you can feel it go all the way down into your Soul in a way that would not be true if thirst did not exist. Use fear as your friend and become mindful of it when it is contrary to your joy. You will find great pleasure there.

What happens at the end of this story? Frankly, it is irrelevant to me so create your own ending if you must. I’d suggest, however, that you focus only on the flight and the beauty of risk in our human experience. Take the step out of the plane, and care not about the landing but instead focus on the flight.

Why Step Out of Your Comfort Zone?

The benefit to stepping outside of our comfort zone is growth. In my very real case it involved Love, joy, anger, pain and Love again. Well, let me say that Love never disappeared from the equation, it was just completely distorted by mindless fear. I don’t take all of the

Source: scottchan

blame for this, but I do know only I have the power to make choices for me. The Lover in this equation is the only person who can make her choices. It seems two people who have been so fortunate to find the power of great Love will always be forced to decide between the power of the mind or the power of the Heart when the two don’t agree. Lovers have the power to choose between focusing on the landing or the flight. What we find more often than not is that when focusing on the flight we fly forever, but when focusing on the landing we are sure to find it quickly.

So, I’ve decided to step out of my comfort zone again. Why? Because the awesome feeling of flight demands that I experience it. I don’t care about the landing, and have made few plans that include such a thing. I have stepped out of the plane into the beautiful blue sky. It is here that I will learn and experience, and it is here that I will do my best work. It is, what I now see, the meaning of the phrase falling in Love. We step out of our comfort zones and fall. Sometimes we land brutally hard, other times we fly forever. That outcome does not matter to me now. What matters is that I enjoy the flight. While my mind begs that I never land, my Soul is completely focused on the now.

To review what I have learned in this scene of my life. I’ve experienced the beauty of True Love, the pain of fear, the manifestation of that fear in anger, jealousy, and loss. I’ve known the contrast of what was with what became and now just want to know what is (you may want to reread this last sentence). That is what the lesson here is, enjoy what is. Enjoy the now in joy. When the moments of human mind that so afflict us all invade this joy, try to refocus the attention on the joy. Speak your Mind in Love, not your egoic mind in fear. Do not fight, discuss. Do not fear, Love (and remove the comma from that sentence too). When you believe there are monsters under your bed, shine a light under there to see if they are real or not. Don’t assume they aren’t and don’t assume they are and for pete’s sake do not just go poking around with a knife. Your dog may be under there chewing on your shoes. Look for yourself and know what is.

Pretty good lessons, huh? That’s why I thought I’d share them with you. As to the ending of this story? Well I don’t know what it is and the only part that cares is that egoic mind. It wants to create drama and fear, and so far I am not letting it. I’m on to its game. It will win some and will lose some, and my practice right now is to give it one helluva losing record.

Peace.

True Love

July 15, 2012 / tomgrasso

Just walk with me for awhile. Hold my hand, as we calmly stroll down the mountainside. Pause with me as I pick you a daisy for your hair, and look at me with the intention of your Soul as I gently brush the hair from your eyes. Lean up to kiss me as only you can. Allow me to cradle your head in my hand as I breathe the Love from my Soul into yours while inhaling all that you are into mine. Share this perfect moment with me my Love, and let me share with you the Sunrise in my heart as I accept the Universe within you.

She came to me in a vision
But I was not dreaming
I was no longer a man nor she a woman
But two Souls united by something far greater
than either alone.

You offer an embrace that stops time in its tracks. My Love, you are here in my arms and I in yours. My heart wants to scream as it touches yours but words are obsolete in this moment. I want to stare into your eyes but look away for fear of betraying this vulnerability. I am where I belong, and I know it all too well. Is this weakness? Is this insanity? Whatever it is there is no currency in existence worth losing a single moment. I just want to be here, now, forever.

Time stands still in this moment's awe
As this Love pours from my mind, my body
Time cannot exist in the presence of this Love
I've abandoned all sense of knowing any thing at all.

I hear your voice and my mind goes blank. I close my eyes and listen to the sweetness of your sound. I heart jumps, my skin tingles, my breath quickens. My reactions betray a simple truth…I am in love with this woman, this Soul. I was born to be here this moment, and I enjoy it all without reflection. I am a Mountain again, and I know my place among the valleys and rivers my mind gives life to. I feel the Light in my eyes and see the Sun in my head. I will not leave this place again.

Through the ups and downs
Lefts and rights, laughs and tears
I remain faithful to the cause that Love demands
In It I find who I am destined to be.

I touch you and feel your skin. It’s as if Indra himself had touched me with a lightning bolt so intense the layers of who I was were burned away revealing who I am. Gone are the voices, the fears, the anxiety replaced by the serenity of knowing. Flowing through my mind are the words of the sacred Vedic hymn:

Indra, you lifted up the outcast who was oppressed, you glorified the blind and the lame.

Yes, my oppressed Soul has been lifted. The blindness that drove me to such suffering has been cured. In this moment, I have been saved from the affliction of the mind that handicapped me into painful distortion. The dragon within me has been slain, and I am free. The Love flows freely out and I can feel you again. I can feel your Soul speaking to me. It guides me to where you want me to be. It shows me where the bandages are. It gives me the courage to follow the directive I so want to own.

Be notorious!!!

A river flows through my Being
And cascades down this fallen prayer
You are there to drink it up
And to quench the thirsts of mindfulness.

Follow the Path of Love

July 5, 2012 / tomgrasso

Feed Love

There are times in our lives when we are tested. This is one of those times for me, and this is what I am learning.

Character is not just who we are when no one is looking. What we call “good” character is also our ability to utilize the sum of our experience as an expression of Love and the discipline to act in accordance with the highest vision of who we are. “Bad” character would be the opposite of this, we utilize the sum of our experience and discipline (or, what may be seen as a lack of discipline) in catering to the fear we feel. Sometimes, the sum of experience is what creates this fear but this has, for me, been nothing but a lack of focus on the miraculous in my experience.

Fear Makes It Easy

I don’t believe this is always the case. I see myself, when born, as a perfect Being. I relied on the physical to satisfy my physical needs, but I was still connected to my Source. I see human “bonding” as the Spirit transferring power over to the mind. We “cut the umbilical” to our Source and transfer that relationship over to the human in order to have our experience.

For some of us, that bonding experience is a beautiful first experience in the human realm. We find human love, and are nurtured into what humanity would call “health” from a mental perspective. For others, that bonding experience is, from a human perspective, a horrible experience. It sets the table for fear to dominate our experience. We don’t feel human love, or we experience what sometimes is dramatic expressions of human fear, and we begin to learn the ways of fear. We focus on that fear, and then live an experience many would consider “toxic”.

Our minds are taught this and our Souls experience it in the most nonjudgmental way. In the severing of the “umbilical”, our Souls allow the mind to take over and the ego is then created. This allows fear to become the focal point of our lives. Even many of those who have what is called a “healthy” human experience focus on fear to some extent. The fear of failure, the fear of being alone, the fear of losing, the fear of death, the fear of illness, and so on. Regardless of how healthy we appear, most of us always find a way to shackle ourselves somehow to some fear in some way. Even courage itself is defined by fear in our ability to do what we “must” in the face of it.

Fear makes it easy. It is much easier to be fearful than to be in Love. Fear seems to be a much easier emotion to cater to. I am trying to reverse that trend in my own experience. I’ve learned (and have the scars to prove it) that fear isn’t easy to cater to, we just naturally fall into an experience that we have learned. It may not be easy for me to perform a quadruple bypass on someone, but it is much easier to a skilled and experienced surgeon because of what he was taught and his experience in using that education. Since many of us learn fear from an early age, it becomes easier to embrace that fear than it is to embrace the Love in is. We are just so damned experienced in fear that we use it regardless of the horrible toll it takes on our bodies and minds.

I’ve often heard fear-based actions called “human nature”. I argue that it is nothing of the sort, it is a learned behavior that makes it seem like our natures. I can show a newborn and suggest that there is none of this nature present there. I can show an infant and not see one ounce of a fear-based behavior. Those patterns are taught, which to me means that we can unteach them and show the truth of human nature. Until taught otherwise, we want peace, we want Love, and we want harmony. That my friends, is our nature.

Being Tested

So today I find mySelf being tested. I have two choices, I can act in fear and “attack” (proverbially) or I can lay down, stretch out my hands on the wood and say “nail me to it, I forgive you”. Last night I was sure I was going on the attack, but after meditation and contemplation my heart has led me to a different choice. I will Love, and I will take my lumps accordingly. I cannot release the grip fear has had on my life without releasing the grip fear has had on my life. So I will give up my desire for self-protection and let it go.

The contrasts are amazing. Last night I felt hurt, unsafe, and fearful. I felt used, and like trust was non-existent. It created such a turmoil within me that I had to breathe and take inventory of it. I felt tense in these emotions, and my mind raced with what I needed to do to protect “me” and my family. I needed a defense, and immediately I built walls and “dug in”. I meditated and asked for clarity when I woke up in the morning because I was aware of this state of being and didn’t like it.

When I woke up in the morning, I smiled. Gone was the expression of fear that had been present that night before. I felt Love well up

Source: One Voice

within me, and I began my day in pure Joy. I decided that I would let it go, that I would trust in the Universe for what I needed, and that I would not “attack”. Fear would not dominate my existence in this moment, and I would allow things to unfold. I felt free and a complete trust in the Universal nature of things.

I simply do not wish to be an instrument of fear but rather an instrument of Love. My message to the Universe was simple: Let those who are catering to fear do what they will. I can only control what I cater to, and in this moment I choose Love.

There was no anxiety. There was no pain. There was no feeling of insecurity or fear. Rather, there was a steadfast and trusting strength. I felt like I was in a strong Mountain Pose, rooted firmly in my “ground” and immovable in my flexibility. There is pure happiness in this expression, and I was inspired to share it with anyone who wanted to read about it or listen to it. The contrast between the two experiences is a lesson. I had one experience to know the other and to gain an understanding which one I want to experience. I am grateful for it.

This is an example for all of our life’s experiences. When times get tough, remember you are having that experience in order to bring to light the awesome beauty of Love. Embrace the experience realizing that everything around us wants to heal, regardless of what we judge the outcome to be. Healing is the Great Act of Forgiveness, and yes my friends there is healing in the end of all things. There is creation there as well, which is the great act of Love expressing Itself.

Ah…I just noticed I have not felt tension, anxiety or anything other than joy in writing this. Beautiful!

Peace…

I Choose Love

This is a culmination of a major transformation for me. To know my life’s experience is to understand that this choice I make represents a total, but not complete, transformation. I feel I am nearly back to “where I was” before I was taught fear in the most horrendous ways possible. Yet, just as I am grateful for the fear-based experience of last night I am grateful for the fear I was taught. I have had the experience of fear and now can clearly see not only Love but how much I desire to express that Love in my experience. I want to open my arms and expose my Heart center. I want to bleed emerald green. I want to forgive you and I want to forgive me. I want my choices to be made from a perspective of Love. I don’t want to reject anything. I simply want to embrace something that makes me feel alive as nothing else has.

I believe that in the story of Jesus he loved his tormentors and executioners because he understood the role they played in his experience. In my mind, he was actually grateful for them and for the experience he was having. He could not have experienced pure Love without facing pure fear. He had to have the experience, just as we all do.

Same with the Buddha. He had to experience unending worldly wealth and power, then experience the “horrors” of extreme asceticism in order know the enlightenment he experienced. I believe that we all experience moments of enlightenment but most of us don’t recognize them because we cannot see them. Our experience has not made them clearly visible to us, yet.

So, I choose Love in this present moment. In this choice, the sunrise looked brighter, the birds sounded clearer, and the hot, humid morning air felt comfortable. I embraced my “job” and gave my dog an extra hug. This is what Love feels like…

Time to go into hiding…

July 2, 2012 / tomgrasso

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kSeZO6UWa6g]

I swallowed my breath and went deep, I was diving, diving
I surfaced when all of my being was enlightened.

So…

I sit here among a crowd of loved ones and friends having the time of my life. It’s been a while since I’ve seen some of them, but here we are talking it up like we just got together yesterday and telling old war stories. I laugh, I smile, and every once in a while I chime in with some witty one-liner that gets everyone laughing.

The trouble is that it’s all fake. I feel lonely here. It isn’t them, it’s me. I used to belong here amongst the laughter and revelry. I used to fit right in as the story teller, the comic relief, the clown but now I feel like I am watching the play instead of starring in it. I don’t want to be here, but something tells me that I need to laugh, I need the companionship, I need the time away. Some thing tells me this…

I do love these people, and they love me. I can feel it from them as surely as I can feel the tequila burning my throat. It isn’t the lack of love I feel as I am very fortunate to count so many people as “loved ones”. Many of these same people have walked with me during the various transformations I have undergone in my life, and here they are, still my friends and still people I love very much. They have seen the best and the worst, and they have loved me enough to not only stick with me, but love me as few could. That, my friends, is truth.

Another truth is that I feel very lonely in the crowd. I don’t feel this way when I am alone. In fact, being alone is becoming much easier for me than being here is. I am not playing a role as I sit in silence. I am simply sitting. I do not play a role as I suddenly get up and do some asanas in my living room. Here, I am hiding from something. I am drinking this tequila to hide from something. I am laughing to hide behind something. I am telling jokes and poking fun to hide from something. It’s a numbing practice that exposes the deeper part of me to the part of me that is watching. I am not where I want to be. I am in hiding.

Better yet, if I am not in hiding, I believe this feeling is trying to tell me that I should be.

Who am I? Well, I’m Not a Mango

Uh oh. Not that question!! I ask it to drive someone crazy actually. I have been told that asking that question is counter-intuitive to personal growth, that we should be “eating the mangoes” instead of asking how they got there. The trouble with that analogy is that I don’t care how the mangoes got there, I care about how I got to the mangoes. I care why they taste good to me, why this place is so beautiful to me.

That understanding only comes with with an understanding of who I am. I’d have to eat some lemons in order to appreciate the sweetness of the mango. There is a reason I’d want to get “all messy” in the juices. There is something that has brought me here, and I want to know it. Not so that I can forget about this beautiful present moment, but so that I can value it.

What makes the Sunrise so beautiful? Usually it’s the darkness of night. What makes the warmth of a fire so awesome? Usually the bitter cold of a winter’s day. I can best value the wonderful present moments I have if I understand what makes them so wonderful. If I fail to realize that, then that moment’s true potential is lost for eternity.

So, I want to understand the path that brought me to the mango grove. I want to know the cuts I got as I cut a rose for my beloved. I want to appreciate the bruises she got climbing her Mountain because it will help me best value the moment when she arrives all battered and torn. It doesn’t detract from the moment, it enhances it. To ignore the journey is to not fully realize the destination. At least this has been my experience.

If I fully want to appreciate the mango I need to experience the lemon. In this way the lemon has equal value to the mango, and they are both perfect.

Going to the Mattresses

Ok, so here I am. I am sitting here laughing and talking and drinking and getting all sloppy. A cute blonde is hitting on me, but I have no interest in doing anything but feeling all lonely and sloppy. I still feel a tie to my past, to her, and that means that I am not going home with anyone but myself tonight. I check my cell phone to see if she has sent a text, or an email, and then I look at her picture. I obviously am either stuck in the mango grove or in some past hedgerow.

“What if the blonde is the mango and ‘she’ is a thorn bush keeping me from the fruit?”

I laugh at the idea and wish I could share it with her. She wouldn’t appreciate the irony of it all, but who else would get the reference? Damn, irony sucks and so does this present moment lost so eternally in what should be.

I check out the blonde to see if I have any moment of doubt. She’s very attractive, and this would have been a “no brainer” months ago. Still, she doesn’t have her eyes, or her mouth. The blonde puts her hand on my leg and whispers in my ear, “I don’t live far from here and my house is empty.”

“I do, and I have to get up early tomorrow after a very early day today. Once this buzz wears off, I am outta here. Sorry.”

We swap phone numbers and next times, but I lose the number about 3 seconds later. It just doesn’t feel right. I am so ready to leave this place. I have two competing voices in my head, one calling me a fool for passing up a night with a hot blonde, and the other calling me a fool for even thinking about it. My smaller head is screaming at the larger one, and the larger one is screaming back, “don’t blame me, it’s that damn thing in his chest that is fighting with us both!”

That damn thing in my chest is telling me it is time to head for the mattresses (if you need to know what that means, watch the Godfather). I need to clean out some inventory, clear out the cobwebs and figure this shit out. I feel like I need to become a hermit for a while, meditate and find whatever it is I am searching for. I need to find some love for me. I need to forgive myself for what I have done.

That damn thing in my chest wants to share itself with others. It wants a special woman to share itself with. It wants a lover to appreciate it. It wants to learn and apply those lessons to the betterment of everyone who touches it. It wants both the larger and smaller heads to do its bidding.

It’s time to go into hiding. It’s time to “go deep” and not to surface until “all of my being (is) enlightened.”

I know where I want to be, and I know how I need to get there. What I’m not sure of is whether or not I have the balls to do it. If I don’t, well then as some wise Master once told me, I will repeat these patterns over and over again. I don’t want to be here again suggesting déjà vu. I want to be free.

June 28, 2012 / tomgrasso

I have created all of my own suffering. Why can’t I help mySelf?

I am the Warrior

June 24, 2012 / tomgrasso

The old friend is back. A calm resolve enters my Being, a subtle rage fills my mind. I will not succumb. I will not be made a fool of. I will not lose my grip on the safety of this place.

I’ve been here before, and I’ve survived. I am, in effect, invincible. Kick me and be kicked. Smack me and be smacked. Fight me and lose.

Exhale. Inhale. Exhale again. Smile in the realization. Find the soft spots and make them hard. Find the hard spots and temper them. Realize that pain is a gift from those who wish to expose your weaknesses.

I welcome the shunning. I welcome the ignorance. I embrace it all, even from those who would watch the blood stream down my face with a smile on their own. They are my truth, they are the ones who show me the most. They are the ones who bring on the winter to which I will build a fire. They will inspire me to great feats of strength.

They are liars who inspire great honesty in me. I will not enter into their weakness. I will not participate in their shallowness. I will rid myself of excess and welcome the hunger. I will cut, I will bleed, and I will drink my own blood in front of their worried faces as I laugh at the fact that they believed they had me.

The path has brought me here and now I am steel once again. Fuck the absence of truth, the pretentious feeling of warmth that never existed. They have not seen me before, they have only heard rumors. Now they will see me in my glory. I am not your pussy. I am not your lamb. I am your fiercest Lion, and I am coming for dinner.

I have risen. I have awoken. I am the Warrior.

The Cave and the Fire (Caveman Series)

June 24, 2012 / tomgrasso

He had lived in this cave for far too long. He had long identified with its darkness and solitude that surrounded him within its confines. He had gotten use to the dampness and the hardness of this place, and the security he believed he had when there. Nothing could disturb him here.

Actually, he had started to understand that nothing wanted to disturb him here. Most had become accustomed to their own caves, their own sense of comfort and light, and his seemed too dark and cold for their liking. Every once in a while he would find some company in this place, but those encounters usually didn’t last very long. He had grown accustomed to being alone, in the dark, and completely protected by the walls he had grown to love.

Once, he began to feel stirrings within him. He wanted to know what was outside of this place, what went on out there. He started to edge his way to the doorway, but each time he got close the light would drive him away. There was something scary about the light, something unusual about it. Each day he would try, and fail, to leave the cave, but each day he would find that the light hurt less and less, and soon he discovered that he could see things.

After a while he could make his way out the opening. There were no walls he noticed. He could see upward as far as the blue sky. He could see in every direction until the Earth met the sky. He felt him most comfortable at night, as the cold night air and darkness reminded him of that place. He smiled at the notion that his cave went from “this” to “that” place. Perhaps he wasn’t missing it as much as he wanted to believe.

At night, he could see as far as infinity as he looked toward the Heavens. The stars let him know that the darkness held no power, that the real power was in the light. He would not have been able to see the blackness of infinity had it not been for the light. The light defined it all and gave it form. The blackness allowed him to see the light, just as a wall gives a window its form. He could lie there and stare at the sky for hours, enjoying his new perspective and watching as even the vastness of the Universe changed before his very eyes.

Nothing was permanent. Even infinity changed.

He wanted to know more, he wanted to experience and to know what was beyond the place he found himself. He came across fruit trees and tasted the fruit. This is what is out here he though to himself with each bite of sweetness. Every once in a while he would recoil at a bitter taste, but realized that this is what is out here. The bitter made the sweet taste what it was, and vice versa. Neither was permanent, both were of the moment. Neither would last very long.

Soon, his body became strong in the searching, and his mind became resolute to understand this experience. He would cut, he would bleed, he would heal. He would laugh, he would cry, he would laugh again. He would feel the heat of the Sun, and the chill of the rain on his bare skin. He would climb, he would fall, and he would climb again.

Nothing is permanent, and the search for understanding is a testament honoring that impermanence. I once sat in my cave, content with only that, and search has brought me here. He bowed his head in solemn appreciation for that which has brought him to this place.

Once he came across a Fire. He had never felt such intense warmth or enjoyed such light. The Fire was strong enough to beat back the rain, and it dried his skin when the rains had subsided. It warmed him when the chill came, and lit this place when the darkness came. He would feed the Fire, give it fuel, and it would give of Itself in return. Both were unselfish in their giving.

Soon, the Fire needed more fuel. He looked around and saw that he had taken, and given, all there was. The Fire began to withdraw and took Its light and warmth with It. Is there anything else I can give? The Fire responded by continuing Its withdraw, until soon there was nothing left but glowing embers among the charred remains of all things that had been given.

With an unsure mind he poked around in a dying fire looking for a warm ember in which to warm his hands. Finding none, he returned to his cave, unsure of his return. A part of him welcomed the walls, the chill, and the darkness. He sat here, still, knowing that this place truly no longer suited him. He had grown to love the warmth, the light, and the freedom of no walls.

Sitting in the darkness he realized that the Fire had become just like the cave. He needed that cave at times, and he needed that Fire at others. The need is the prison. Need is the mindless desire to make impermanence permanent.

He knew he would find Fire again, but he also knew that he didn’t want to need to find it. He didn’t want to need to have It warm him, or light his way. Despite this, the shivering of his body told him that he would have such a need. He was, after all, a man. A man whose search had taken him from darkness to light, from cold to warmth, and back again. He knew the taste of sweetness and bitter in this search. He had seen the freedom of infinity and confines of the walls he called “safe”. He had been wounded and had been healed. He knew, and for that he was grateful.

He looked toward the cave’s opening, and with a smile stood up and started to walk. It was there that he met Her, and the sparks lit a Fire anew…

Protected: Defeat

June 18, 2012 / tomgrasso

2012: The End of the World (As We Know It)

May 1, 2012 / tomgrasso

I decided right now to review my current situation and condition, and to share some thoughts I have on the subject. Since writing is cathartic to me, it just seems so right at the present time to “clean out the attic” and review things while sharing what I find.

2012 has been what could be termed a “disastrous” year for me personally. My marriage ended unexpectedly (to me), my family was split up (which devastated me completely), the company I worked for went bankrupt leaving me unemployed for the first time in about 20 years or so. The State of New Jersey has decided to screw with me on UI benefits, somehow citing that corporate bankruptcy and the failure to be paid due wages are not truly grounds for not working for someone. I’ve endured great physical pain and mental anguish, as well as stress levels that I never thought could exist. Financial stress. Loneliness. Change. Despair. Depression. Suicidal thoughts. Self-doubt. You name it, if it was negative I’ve experienced it in 2012.

So, one could say that I’ve spent my 40 days and 40 nights in the desert and am left with one quite complete understanding. “Man cannot live on bread alone.” I can’t live on bread alone. There has to be more.

The “more” has shown itself in so many ways. I learned to embrace Aloneness. I actually find those moments of Aloneness to be quite amazing. I’ve let go of the attachments and ideas that caused me such suffering and despair. I’ve found a love for this life that is not dependent on any other human being. I appreciate employment as a mechanism of happiness in my life that has very little to do with money.

I appreciate the time I have with my children. I LOVE them, no doubt, and cherish each second with them. I see them differently, not as “my children” per se, but as human beings themselves who look to me for guidance on how to make their way in this world. They have to experience things on their own, but their dad is always going to be available to them to help them along in fostering their spiritual Selves as well as dealing with the nature of this world’s insanity. Physical presence is not mandatory, but so welcomed.

I have a renewed appreciation for friends. These are wonderful points of light for me, not just for companionship, but as an expression of who I am. I love these people, and I cherish them. They brighten my day, soften my stance, harden my resolve and basically show me the way on so many fronts. I simply love people, and those who love me back hold a special place in my heart. It is AWESOME.

Love. Yes, Love. To have someone who captures my imagination while allowing me to capture theirs. To count on someone, not just for the minutia of daily living, but for the grander appreciation of who we are both as individuals and as a team. To hold a hand that holds me in return. To be wanted, needed, cherished and Loved. To be accepted in who I am and to not have to assume a role as if an actor in a play. To never be told again how inadequate I am in this role or that role or in my reaction to something. To be able to feel anger and have someone say “I love your rage” or to feel passion and have someone say “that’s sexy.” To have someone who absorbs it all, lets go of it ensuring that it never returns. Amazingly enough, in committing to only having spiritually connected relationships built on a sense of Love and Spirit, I’ve found great joy and security in the promise of what is to come. There are no more relationships built on the physical alone. It must be so much more.

This type of Love is music that calms the wild beast while allowing that beast its moments of rapture. If we can not only give it, but accept it, when we are Home. When we no longer need “hedge our bets” but are enveloped fully and completely in this Universal Truth we are found. When we surrender we discover we have found a great victory.

I am not a victim in the turmoil, I am an active participant who has found great freedom in it. I have found Love, Peace, and, above all, Freedom as I rose from the ashes of what I thought I knew into something I now know. I feel like a flower that has found its way through the cracks in a lava flow after an enormous eruption. To experience that beauty was probably a major reason for the eruption in the first place.

Today I am still dealing with some physical pain and financial stress. I still miss my kids when they aren’t with me. I never feel lonely even when alone. I don’t feel sad, or angry. I feel so much Love in my life that those things like sadness, or anger, or despair rarely have room to exist. I enjoy late night talks with a special someone (frankly, I enjoy those talks at any time of day), and the encounters with people I have never met and friends I love to hang with. I enjoy the promise of this Moment and rarely think beyond it (although, to be honest, I smile when I realize where I think I am going). I enjoy my spiritual practice, sharing kindness, and in receiving Love.

In essence, the End of the World as I Knew It wasn’t such a bad thing. In fact, I feel fine (yes, that was intended). It was a great thing for me. A wise sage once said, “most of us realize that the Sea is the drops of water, but how many of us realize that the drops of water are the Sea?” Well, it took a great challenge I wasn’t sure I would survive to teach me that very important lesson. I get it, and even as I take some beatings in this experience I will always try to hold on to that wisdom.

Peace. Now enjoy this song since you all knew it was coming! 🙂

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z0GFRcFm-aY]