Author: tomgrasso (Page 11 of 38)

Smile, Simply Smile.

March 11, 2012 / tomgrasso

Imagine the sun did not rise. The darkness of night remained and chill of the evening air defined the utter darkness. Which part of you would be the one that noticed?

We are all stuck in the bleakness of our mind,

Replaying the fantasy of a dream created long ago,

Resistant to the change that reality has forced upon us,

Wondering what we should do when the Earth begins to tremble…

Do we cater to the illusion or embrace the truth?

Do we hold tightly to that which used to make us who we were,

Or do we let go and find the truth that makes us who we are?

Ah, the painful decision is one we often run away from.

If we love something, do we let it go for its sake?

Or do we let it go for our own, since we don’t own it be begin with?

Do we grasp at it like children grasping for a dandelion seed

Finally freed from its parental grasp?

I do not ask to be anonymous, I ask to be special. I want you to want me, to hold me, to need me and to love me. I want you to lust for me, desire me, crave me and no other.

Like a caged bird I longed for your reaction.

Trained to be a parody of my Self as I react to your every whim.

I want to be wrapped up in you, so much so that I lost who I am,

“You are lost,” said the Sea to the Fish.

“I am drowning,” I replied.

I needed the water so much I forgot how to swim.

I so worried about the inhalation that I forgot how to breathe.

So the Fish drowned in the Sea without even realizing it.

I have lived without ever knowing it. I have been dreaming but now feel awake. What I thought was light was nothing but darkness disguised by my own desire; my own beliefs of what I thought was “me.”

The little boy huddled in the corner of the room longed for this day.

He suffered, and in some ways died, for this moment of Resurrection.

He could hear his own screams in the night and feel the tears stream down his face,

In most ways he was more awake than the man he gave way to.

The man insulted this boy’s suffering, pissed on his endurance and shackled his spirit.

The boy had endured so much for the man, and the man threw away the lessons and trampled on his memory.

He walked about blindly did the man, while the boy screamed “who the fuck do you think you are?”

“I am you my son,” even as the boy replied “you are nothing like me.”

I have climbed the tree, and I have set myself. I am ready to change and to fly. I am seeking Love rather than the self that once defined me.

I could feel the cocoon restraining me.

I would cry out in the night and beg for an end to the pain.

I would curse the fucker who beat me, so punish the menace who threatened me, and seek out the Executioner dressed as someone who loved me.

Fuck them all before they fuck me.

The cocoon would not give way, the Universe demanded more of me than I ever thought I could give,

Now I see Her, the Future, the Unknown,

And I try to reach out my hand to her in unbridled loving passion

Only to be restrained in the prison of my mind.

“You are not ready yet, you still seek to live on bread alone” came the answer.

“When you know the Truth you shall be free, and She will be waiting for you.”

I close my eyes and bow my head, and seek the silence that calms my weary mind.

And find the patience that will see me through the darkness.

Alas, my son, a Butterfly will appear. You will spread your wings and fly and know yourself as if for the very first time. You will never seek, but you will find. You will not want, but will have more than you could have ever imagined. You will spread a smile by your appearance and give joy just by being who you are. It will come, you just need to be patient.

Suffering has brought you to a place where survival was not assured.

Love will bring you from it to a place where survival is all but guaranteed.

Be still, and know that it is coming!

Be silent, and have all that you will ever need.

For soon you shall be who you were always,

Before the ideas of the mind crept in. Then She will come,

And you will know Her, and know that you are there.

The embrace you feel will be unlike any other, the kiss you share will light up the world.

So be patient, and rejoice!

For the end is near so that the beginning can be born,

What you knew will disappear and what you know will be all that remains.

Smile…simply smile.

Hope and Forgiveness

March 10, 2012 / tomgrasso

I hear it in the hollowed vacuum,

Lost in the shallowed and darkened caverns

Where my heart once beat with joy…

It is hope.

A light that flickers, a song that sings,

A melody not lost on these tone-deaf ears.

“I once was lost, but now am found, was blind but now I see“

There is hope.

Stuck in a momentary blend of pain and sorrow,

Jarred awake in the Seeing and in the knowledge I now have,

I now move forward toward a great resounding harmony.

I’ve found hope.

First I must extend the hand of Love,

If not to embrace but certainly to let go,

And move beyond the cycle of all that was.

I must forgive.

I must look toward Now and hope for tomorrow,

In the warm embrace of Love and Acceptance,

There must be a melody in my song, a countenance in my spirit.

There is forgiveness.

To seek the path that leads me to You, the Unknown

To be held in such esteem as to be Loved and to Love,

I feel the love due me that I share with reckless abandon.

I am forgiven.

So now I close my eyes to return to stillness.

I breathe in the Love and breathe out the past.

I hold You the Unkown tightly and bask in what is to be.

There is hope in forgiveness.

To the journey unkown for now but sure to come,

To the one I will share each unbridled step with,

I raise my glass to you in revered, sweet harmony.

There is forgiveness in hope.

And now I go silent, prayerful to share the joy in my heart,

The burning Sage has renewed a tempered spirit,

Awakened anew in the glow of Universal trust and understanding,

I am hope; I am forgiveness.

What Would Be the Point?

March 10, 2012 / tomgrasso

I’d say “I forgive you”

But what would be the point?

You wouldn’t hear me, or acknowledge me,

Or even return the gesture.

I’d reach out for you

But what would be the point?

You would turn your back and walk away

Show indignity as if it were your cause.

I’d say “I’m here for you”

But what would be the point?

You would throw up a wall and dig a moat,

And turn to some other instead.

I’d show you pure and unabiding love

But what would be the point?

Such an unwanted gift plays like a reedless flute

In the mind of someone so resistant to change.

So I’ll move on to those who’d seek my embrace

My counsel, my love and my respect.

For that is the point.

I hear the piano playing, I feel the power in the notes,

So I rejoice, So I rejoice.

My Heart’s Sweet Amensty

March 10, 2012 / tomgrasso

I have been forgotten by some, it seems
But not by all,
As time flows like unearthly frigid streams,
I call, I call

To whom I have yet to discover,
Such a majesty!
I just wait patiently for the Universe to uncover,
My heart’s sweet amnesty.

Reach for peace, strive for Love,
Do not settle for the lesser,
Find the Light and soar above,
The formality’s own guesser.

To whom I have yet to hold,
And be honored by in kind,
The stories that have yet been told,
Not the tomes we’ve left behind.

For soon will be the time to bear,
In this my joy’s grantee,
We seek unto infinity’s own care,
My heart’s sweet amnesty.

An Evening Lullaby

March 5, 2012 / tomgrasso

Walk with me NOW my dear,

See the stars as they are now,

Feel the moon as it shines upon your brow,

And hold me in the moment without attachment to the past.

Dance with me to a song just written,

Not to some classic written when the stars above were born,

Sing to me an Evening Lullaby until a grateful morn has risen,

As if the notes themselves had inspired the miracle of Dawn.

It’s just a dream, I know

Where I matter enough to be such an object of desire,

Where the moment now is the moment that matters,

And somehow a stony heart is made open to such possibilities.

It’s just a dream, I know.

Where someone too in love with the past can somehow love me in the present,

Where the I have value beyond the fires of anger,

And can transcend the darkness that hides the stars above.

I am under no delusion,

And I am under no mystical spell of the suffering that once bound me to insanity.

I see you as you are, and me as I am.

And certainly doubt where the two of us can exist beyond the walls we have created.

Yet I’ll hold for now to the feeling that sustains my soul,

And binds me to such undeniable servitude.

Not for you, but for me and who I am

And who I have always thought I could be.

That is the tune of my Evening Lullaby,

I am here, I am now, I am who I am without reservation.

Such harmony fills the air and causes flowers to bloom,

Even if the fragrance finds only my soul to please.

Protected: But I like who I am…

March 4, 2012 / tomgrasso

The Idea of Walking Away (or A Way)

February 17, 2012 / tomgrasso

AMEN!

I have been suppressing a feeling deep inside me for the last few weeks. I simply want to pack up a few things and leave. I want to walk wherever I end up, sleep wherever I must, eat whatever the Universe provides and never look back.

I guess this is the product of a lifetime of suffering; some self-inflicted and some not-so-much. You know the line from Eddie Vedder’s “Society” that says, “Society, I hope you’re not lonely without me?” Well, I know that society, at least the one I currently live in, won’t miss me but for a few moments before moving on the brighter and greener pastures.

I have children. Some would say they would miss me. I know they would for a time, but they have a tremendous infrastructure to help them get over whatever sense of immediate loss they may feel. I will, after all, be replaced in their life someday anyway (at least in part), so I see no real need to be here right now. Besides, as a great guru of mine continues to tell me, “stop thinking, just be.” Well, the part of me that is “just being” wants away from here, wants to find himself, and wants to end this idiotic notion that anyone truly loves or needs him.

In fact, the only things that have kept me from packing up my bag and walking are my children. See, I love them with all of my heart and soul. Yet, in about a week, I am going to be a part of something that turns their life upside down. I want NO part of it…for every time I will be acting like it is something I want or endorse I will be lying to them. I have to smile for them when I want to cry with them. I have to be strong when all I want to do is fall to the floor and be swept away. I have to pretend all over again that I am something I am not.

Part of me is saying “Bullshit. You don’t want this (even if you do want the be healed). You didn’t ask for this (even if you were blind and stupid). You didn’t want to become hardly a friend in something that was so much more once. You were forced here and now you are being forced to pretend that the world is rosy when, in fact, it smells like the foulest shit ever produced.”

There is some truth to this. I have stepped in the foulest smelling pile of shit ever produced and the people I count on the most for support and honesty are trying to tell me how wonderful it smells. At least they are trying to tell me that it doesn’t smell as repugnant as it does which is, in fact, a lie that only makes it smell worse. I want to scream “stop lying to me and tell me the fucking TRUTH.”

Of course I realize that to them it may smell quite nice. After all, a dog loves the smell of his own shit. They crapped it out, so it probably doesn’t smell bad to them at all. I am, however, vomiting each and every time I inhale.

Now, before you, the reader, gets all stymied with the “you are depressed” idea, allow me to say that I believe I clearly know my place in the lives of those around me. I have friends, family, and awesome mentors in my life. I am sick of being the guy who is not needed and not loved. I am sick of being the guy who is left, the guy who is treated like he is a demon who needs to be exorcised. I am sick of guessing what she or they feel about me. Most of all, I am sick of not feeling good enough to warrant sacrifice and acceptance.

Since this is the season of Valentines Day (the Latin “valens” meaning, in part, “worthwhile“) I have been forced to look at my place in the world with an objectivity created by the reality of the moment. I am not worthwhile. In fact, I am being forced today to live my life at the whim of another completely unsure of what tomorrow will bring. I have no security, no idea, no comfort and absolutely no understanding or acceptance from anyone I need it from.

So, in essence it comes down to this. Do I continue the torment of being treated like I hardly exist in relationships where I hardly matter or do I walk away? Do I pack up very few belongings and just set off toward the sunset and see where it takes me? There is a part of me that smiles at the idea of knowing where I stand for a change and of knowing who I am. If I am a homeless bum then I am a homeless bum…I need expect or receive anything from anyone that suggests I am anything other than a homeless bum. I won’t expect acceptance, or love, or compassion or anything.

Yes, there is a certain freedom to that notion. I won’t need to guess about my place in anyone’s life. I won’t need to be disappointed in the complete lack of acceptance I seem to experience. Most of all, I won’t need to be consistently reminded of how I once “caught a bolt of lightning” nor will I have to “curse the day he let it go.” (Name that song for a smile!) Yes, there is a certain freedom to that notion of being able to decide for yourself that you no longer need to be reminded of the failures, the pain and the fact that you are no longer loved by those you love the most. I will know where I stand, and yes there is something wonderful about that idea.

I will leave it up to the Universe for now. I am nervous in the idea for sure…although not for the idea of survival. I don’t care if I survive actually, I just want a moment in my life where I know where I stand without thinking I know or hoping I am right. Is that worth dying for? Yes, in my mind it is even if it is just an experience I get to have for a very short period of time. Such is my disgust and disdain for my current condition.

I do admit that I am in and out of my disgust. Sometimes I can feel love from others, and it seems to change the way the room smells. Sometimes I can see rays of hope peaking through the clouds that brighten the day. In those moments I see something worth fighting and working for. Those moments are fleeting however and are usually replaced by the understanding that they probably only exist in MY mind. I want them to be there so they are there, and once I start seeing reality again they fade and the smell returns.

Well, I am not sure what this afternoon will bring let alone tomorrow. I can say that I pray for some clarity quite regularly even if I am not sure what version of “reality” is the clear one. I have little help in determining that and I am on my own. So…I guess we’ll just have to see where this wave takes me.

Peace.

Love this Picture!

Protected: Imagine

February 15, 2012 / tomgrasso

Stop Loving your Neighbor as Yourself!! NOW!

February 15, 2012 / tomgrasso

Many of us have been taught from a very young age to follow the adage “love thy neighbor as you love thyself.” We must stop this practice now if we are to save humanity, and this planet, from utter destruction.

Allow me to explain.

How many of us have hugged our spouses, our significant others, our children, our families and our neighbors without ever truly embracing ourselves? How many of us have extended the hand of acceptance to those around us without ever really accepting ourselves? How many of us have run to the assistance of others while never truly helping the child within us?

I’d suggest a great many of us. That is why I also suggest that we stop the practice of loving others as we love ourselves. Why? Because most of us don’t love ourselves. In fact, most of us don’t even know ourselves. We know our reactions. We think we know our pain and our pleasure. We think we know our “likes and dislikes”. We know what we think we want from life and those involved in our lives. We don’t, however, truly know ourselves. If we did, we’d realize that all of those things we think we want from life we really don’t want at all.

I speak, of course, in a broad generality meant to address not only the overall human condition as I have seen it, but also my own very unique condition as I have experienced it. I can look at my own life experience and see that I have never truly known or loved myself. I can look at all of my reactions and behaviors as contrary to who I now know myself to be. In essence, I have spent nearly all of my 44 years being someone I am not which, of course, means that I could not possibly love others as I love myself because I never really loved (or knew) myself. There were some few exceptions to that statement, but overall it is as honest a description as I can see.

Make any sense to you? Believe me, it was a bright “ah ha” moment for me. Since having it, I have embraced meditation completely and found love in it. I have had such joyous experiences that the world couldn’t help but change. Once you plant the seed of love and the tree takes root, the world itself is forever changed. Fruit that once never existed now blossoms. Shade that once never existed now offers comfort to those who need it. Nature flocks to gain respite where once none was offered. Yes, the world changes from but a simple seed even if it is up to us to plant it.

If humanity is to survive the cancer we ourselves have created, we need to be willing to change ages-old axioms to better fit our understanding. Instead of “love thy neighbor as thyself” we need to “love ourselves as we would our neighbor.” I need to find joy in me if I am to offer joy to anyone else. I need to embrace the total experience that I am if I am to embrace who others are. I cannot be tolerant of others while being intolerant of me. I cannot love you without loving me. I cannot forgive you until I have forgiven myself.

I used to believe that I loved my neighbor, my family and my friends. Now I know better. I wanted to love them, but because I had no love of myself I couldn’t do anything but pretend. Now the intensity of my love for all around me has grown. My acceptance has grown. The way I see my relationships is different and the way I want to live has changed. All from the simple (ok, perhaps not-so-simple) act of loving ME.

Note: Please tell your ego to calm down. I am not speaking of egoic, narcissistic love here. Hopefully, I am writing to an audience who gets that with little need of discussion.

I could not go to war with my neighbor if I loved me. I could not hurt those I love if I love me. I could not lie, cheat, steal or covet if I love me. Frankly, I could not damage anything if I had a pure and unselfish love of me. Perhaps when I have achieved such a high level of love, as Jesus had when he uttered that statement, I can then begin loving my neighbor as I love myself. Until then, I must stop that practice lest I create great harm in the world around me.

This does not mean I can’t express love to others, it simply means I have to find love within me to do it honestly. I can’t say “I love you” and then act out in fear because than I am loving my neighbor as I love me…in fear. I must know what I mean when I say “I love you” and, more importantly, act in accordance with the truth of that statement.

Well, that’s how I see it on this dreary and cold February afternoon in New Jersey. This path for me has been a relatively short one, but the work it took to get here only seems to have made it clearer. I look forward to continued planting, and continued progress toward that higher vision I see.

Peace!

Let the Light Shine In (and Out)

February 13, 2012 / tomgrasso

The amazing part about experiencing a deep depression, for me, is what is happening since I survived what seems to be the worst of it. It is this “afterward” experience that would cause me to not only ask, but literally beg, anyone who is having such an experience with depression to do their best to “get through it.” Yes, brighter days will be upon you!

I’ve detailed a small part of my recent experience with an absolutely depressing experience. I’ve been dealing with the waves of fear, anger, sadness, and doubt that come along with the experience I am having, but today I am happy to announce that I have had a wonderful experience of love, understanding and acceptance. Yes, my friends, this moment – this experience I am having now – was well worth the effort that survival took.

And yes, that survival took more effort than I ever thought I could manage.

Today I was fortunate enough to look at someone I have loved for a huge chunk of my life differently. I am not saying that I squinted my eyes, or put rose-colored glasses on, or changed the lighting in the room. I am saying that I had an experience that caused me to see her differently. I won’t get into detail here (the details will be reserved for her at the appropriate time), but let me say that every moment of pain and suffering came into view as if I was looking at the “Big Bang” in reverse. All of the outward doubt, fear, anger and suppressed resentment came rushing at her as if a shock wave was being played backwards. It then disappeared into her somewhere, and all that was left was a radiant light and a knowledge that light itself was all that mattered.

Of course my ego suggested I was crazy, and that the nights of failed sleep and the constant barrage of thoughts had finally caught up with me. In fact, it tried to prove I was crazy by saying something completely stupid to ruin that moment. Yet, there I stood for what must have been a millisecond to the outside world for what was an eternity to me. I was basking in the glow of something much different than what I had seen before. I felt intensely focused and completely ready to heal. The bandages were not only removed, but forgiveness and love immediately poured into the exposed wound, making it barely noticeable.

“This is Love,” came the Light. “It banished everything else.”

Yes, I feel fucking crazy. Yes, I hesitate to write this because I realize that you will think I am crazy too. The irony of that amazes me. Here it was not but a few days ago I was writing about a moment in which I nearly ended this life and that hardly made me crazy. Seeing another human being in the Light of Love and knowing it, well that makes me not only a bit unusual, but also a bit crazy. Or is it the fact that the Light spoke to me?
First, I never said it spoke to me, I said it “came.” In other words, I had an understanding without speaking a word or hearing a word. It was just there like the hair on my toe knuckle except, of course, it was much more attractive.

Ok, I am projecting. Yes, I believe I am a bit crazy. Given what I have experienced in my life I will take THIS crazy over the OTHER crazy any day. I got up from the chair I was sitting on and went outside without even remembering the action. I left the room and can’t even remember how. I just remember how tremendously awesome I felt and how absolutely bright the world around me looked. Most of all, I remember that she was there for it, as she has been there for so many remarkable and not-so-remarkable moments in my life. It seemed perfect, it seemed appropriate, and it seemed very fitting given the complications of it all.

It’s important to note that she is not the important part here except in the appropriateness of her place in the experience. This experience may actually be a burden to her. I am not suggesting that it is, I am suggesting that I have no idea if it is or isn’t. It wasn’t her experience, it was mine. She just happened to be the Mona Lisa at the very moment I discovered that I loved art. I believe this is important because I often want to burden someone else with the experience I am having. It’s like forcing a homeless man who wants to sleep to stay wide awake to eat a meal because it makes me feel good to give it to him. I don’t want to do this here, I simply want to explain the experience in total as it happened. She just happened to be the focal point of it (which may, or may not, be a coincidence).

So I have felt like I am on that proverbial Cloud 9 ever since. My sense of humor has returned in force. I am not so worried about the future, nor am I so concerned about the past. I have THIS moment, and what could be better? I am not worried about the status of any relationship (even this one). I am not all wrapped up in the debate my mind has had constantly with itself. I simply am dedicated in this moment and am “focused intently and with loving intensity on healing and progress….” (to quote my Facebook status I barely remember typing).

I am not suggesting that this feeling will last. I am suggesting that I don’t care if it does. Right now is good enough for me. I BELIEVE is the appropriate affirmation of this moment. I believe in Love. I believe in Light. I believe in Now.

The rest, well that will take care of itself in perfect harmony even if it happens to sound like finger nails on a blackboard as life sings it into my ear. Life will sing and I will be forced to listen even if I am left kicking and screaming in the corner of the room. I could, however, decide to dance to the tune when acting like a baby doesn’t seem to jive with the moment. Maybe I am simply dancing…

Enough. Many of you are probably saying (to quote a rather intellectual and wise sage) “shut the fuck up and let me suffer!” I am responding “go to it but please, whatever you do, live through it. The tunnel is very dark and lonely, but the light on the other end is absolutely brilliant.” Of course I am not sure I am on the other end, I may just be rounding a turn for all I know. The light right here, however, is absolutely brilliant and was worth the pain that brought me here. I’ll take it.

Right now, well the buzzer on my clothes dryer keeps going off and I want to take a baseball bat to it. Ah it feels good to be BACK, even if I am not so sure I was ever here to begin with. That, however, is another story!

Peace!