Author: tomgrasso (Page 10 of 38)
I can feel the shackles coming off. Boundaries set by others, boundaries I have set on others, and shackles self-imposed that once bound me to the ground are falling by the wayside. I can feel my arms opening, my heart being left without defense, and my soul being bared by each moment I’m alive.
It’s liberating even if I am only just beginning!
Now, I am imagining the ideas of “right and wrong” I once had and shared with those around me. Was I really wrong or did I simply not share the perspectives of others who judged me as wrong? Was I sinning or was I simply being contrary to the IDEAS of behavior pressed upon me? Was I reacting to fear, or was I having the experience necessary to end fear’s hold on my mind?
Was it all wrong?
I certainly know that I appreciate these moments of light because of the experience of darkness I have had. I certainly know that I am grateful for the Love in my life because of the experience of fear I have had. I’m not sure, right now, that any of it was wrong. It was right in some respects. Each moment of suffering, whether my own or shared, defined my vision of Self and the way I wanted to be. If this is true, how can those moments be wrong?
Sin, to me, is a guide. It simply means that, at most levels, the experience of sin is necessary in order to experience a moment free from sin. Since this life experience I have had has been fraught with suffering and denial, I am able to truly know freedom, Love and acceptance.
So, it seems necessary to stop “beating myself up” for things. They happened, just like a major earthquake, and now it is time to move on. The earth shook, so the question remained, “what will I do now?”
I could sit and wallow in suffering as I have, or I can take the experience and use it to benefit others. I can sit and cry amidst the rubble, or I can start removing it to help others. I can blame God for the devastation or I can begin cleaning it up. I can remain in judgement and misery or I can find joy in the work of forgiving and Loving.
So, guess which I choose?
I choose to surround myself with loving, caring spiritual guides who magnify my vision. I can love them unequivocally without role playing, without pretension, and without reservation. I can share in their experience rather than own it. I can offer them a hand and have them take it or leave it without judgement. I can be mySelf.
Yes, that is liberating and I wish I could simply wave a wand and have everyone enjoy it. That would be counterproductive, because without those who reserve their love, or role play, or act in pretentiousness I could not truly experience anything else. They need to make the shift on their own, as their own experience and understanding is the best “wand” ever created. They need to be who they are without my interference.
That, my friends, is why I love these “challenges” as much as I love all of you! I love those who wish to bind me to “past roles” as much as I love those who allow me to be “me.” I love those who judge me as much as I love those who accept me. I love those who challenge me with their rules, rites and rituals as much as I love those who require nothing.
“Love one another as I have loved you,” is to say, “love your executioner as much as you love your lover.” Why? Both are equally important to the experience you are here to have, and if you condemn one you condemn your experience. If you condemn your experience you are condemning yourself. You cannot experience happiness in condemnation.
It appears, from my perspective, that we are way too busy condemning ourselves and our experiences to actually enJoy them. We plant negative seeds in everything we do, then we water them and give them food. When they sprout, we condemn them as if we had no part in their growth. We get tangled in the weeds we have planted and nurtured, condemn the weeds we have planted and nurtured, and then blame someone or something else for the condition we find ourselves in. All the while, we were in control, and we were the problem.
So, I am not “pulling the weeds.” I am embracing them and seeing how they got there. I am also planting different seeds. Soon enough, the weeds themselves will fade. They need attention to live, and I refuse to give them the attention they crave.
I love this present with all my heart. Whether alone or with the love of my children embracing me I am happy. Whether talking to the walls or being surrounded by the Love of friends I am at peace. I needed this, and now that I have it I simply want to feed it, water it and give it the sunshine it needs to dominate my landscape. YES!!
Peace!
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pZqgXPGbrno&w=560&h=315]
This is a synopsis of my reaction to a guided meditation tonight during a Foundations class.
Present Me is standing on one side of a bridge, shrouded in the fog of ideas and looking at Future Me standing on the other side. Future Me is unshrouded, smiling contently while residing in unabiding clarity. Naked, standing as straight as a tree, Future Me beckoned Present Me forward across the bridge, and I began to walk through the mist to join him.
I noticed the colors and beauty all around me become brighter and clearer as we merged, the harmonious sounds of all around offering me a rhythmic beat from which to dance.
Dance I did.
As I walked back across the bridge, I noticed the milestones left along the way and began to collect them on my way back to the Present. Those closest to my Present were the heaviest, while those closest to my future were the lightest and less burdensome. I realized how much I need to release in this Present, and how light the load will be when I can finally stand naked across the bridge dancing to sounds unencumbered by the past.
I feel harmony, Love, contentment and joy in the future. Each burden I drop gets me there, each idea I lose attachment to lifts the fog, and as I stand naked and raw to the world I will simply Be.
I walked silently through the mist into your arms. You loved me, you cherished me, you gave me sight and showed me unending gratitude. You held me up, you showed me a way, and as you gently kissed my lips I knew I was Home.
So begins my inspiration. Imagine a love so strong yet so tender as to be a rock and a sheet of silk at the same time. Imagine the acceptance, the trust, the loyalty all combined with the frailty and the humanity of the Creator. That is the Love I feel in my heart at this very moment, the love that is inspiring me beyond these mere words.
It’s not friendship, although we call it that. It’s not sex, although we call it that too. It’s not even love, although we often entangle the egoic meaning of that word with it. It is Love, God, Being, Self…words hardly capable of accurately describing but surely necessary to communicate the feeling and sheer emotion of the moment Love hits you where the ego once stood.
It is that moment that you cast away old demons even if they do return from time to time. It is that moment that you don’t seek the self but offer the Self. It is that moment when you turn from the “lower” versions of you to the higher version of You. It is that moment when you, to borrow a Dyer euphemism, “let go and let God.” It is a moment of shear beauty when the stories you have told and live by cease to exist. It is a moment so clear in your state of being as to need absolutely no interpretation. It is Heaven, Nirvana, Enlightenment.
You are Home.
Life will interrupt these moments of shear Pleasure. It has to, as the purpose of life is to experience. Your experience would be quite absent without the Yin to Yang. The river of your life could not flow to the Great Ocean without the journey, and the Ocean itself would dry up in the midst of a drought of such experience. A Voice commands me, “Go with it my friend, hold onto the pain and the Pleasure alike. Take the loneliness with the camaraderie, take the droughts with the inundation of rain, take the earth quaking beneath your feet along with the solid ground. Absorb it all, and let each show you the way.” I follow the command.
Entangled in sweat, the heated exchange of a million moments resolved in the essence of this one you have taken me. The screams of your pleasure provide me my own my Love, the moment of climax not the end but merely another beginning. You own me and I you without claim, you are my queen and I your king; my goddess and I your god.
We discover a new chapter, and begin to write a book the world will surely read albeit in a language most will not understand. Gone are the judgments that bind us; replaced with the foundation of Spirit entangled in our human purpose. At points you will be White to my Black, and others the opposite, but we will surely meet in the middle where the purest form of Love resides. Gone will be the bars that housed us replaced by the sweet bondage of something pure, warm and selfless. Each touch will bring a chill; each moment a memory to be replaced by another.
I draw a line with my finger down the small of your back. Your skin responds, your embrace invites me to provide you more. No words are exchanged as none are needed. Heaven itself is in our midst, and we enjoy the sweet nectar of something beyond the physical. You invite me in and I accept. Such is the realm of this Divine royalty.
To be so lost is to be so found. To be near the end is to find such a sweet and new beginning. To rid yourself of the tattered and rotting clothes you once clung to is to stand naked before the Universe. I love this nakedness. I love the tear stained rags I have left discarded on the sand. I love the sting of the Ocean as it cleanses my wounds. I love the chill of the wind as it wipes me of my false manhood. “Embrace it all and know it well, for it is the only way to heal,” offers a Voice from beyond. I will never know the Truth if I hold on to the lie; I will never know reality if I refuse to wake from the dream.
I love mySelf so that I may love You. I see the Divine in mySelf lest I ignore the Divine in You. I am joyful in your joy, pleasured by your ecstasy, emboldened by your bravery. You are more than the Moon, more than the Sun, more than the Angels themselves. I honor you by honoring me, and I love you with each breath of my soul. I bleed drops of blood made red by your Being. The arms I extend are not empty, and they are strong in the resolve to give all I have to give in them.
Peace to you, my Love. I hold you now in my heart, know you in my dreams and sing for you in my Soul. I humbly reside in my Aloneness and cast away all that I was for all that I am.
We text. We email. And then we wonder why we communicate so poorly. Of course I am broadly generalizing here, but overall it seems like an affliction dominating our society’s poor track record on relationships.
Amazing, huh? We have lost the ability to listen to each other unless we are READING. We have lost the ability to properly use our voices to express ourselves. We can’t seem to talk to each other unless we are TYPING. Worse, if we aren’t having 4 conversations at once we lose our ability to focus on the communication we are having. We feel “empty” if we are not typing away to 5 different people at a time…so much so that we can’t seem to simply look into someone’s eyes and feel what they are saying to us.
I must say that I haven’t texted, FB messaged, or emailed in my personal life as much as I have in the past two months. I’m used to emailing for business related communication as it is the preferred method of busy professionals everywhere. Personally, however, I must say that I am getting sick of this method of communication with those I like, love, or want to talk to. My thumbs are telling me to STOP. My eyes are telling me to STOP. Most of all, my mouth is telling me to start using it and to to begin ignoring the incessant beeps and vibrations of my phone and to start using it to TALK to people. I miss voices. I miss hearing a laugh instead of seeing an “LOL”. I miss feeling the emotion of someone instead of reading a bland response.
I don’t really believe I can end the electronic communication. I just don’t want it to be my primary method anymore.
So, FRIENDS…call me. People I am getting to know, call me. Please, just help a brother out and give my sore thumbs and my restless ears some work. Let me know if I can call YOU…since I’m not sure many know how to even answer their phones anymore (this is an attempt at HUMOR!!).
Anyway…
Let me clarify at the beginning that by “suffering” in this post I mean EMOTIONAL suffering, not physical suffering. It’s an important distinction here, since I believe the roots of emotional suffering are different than the roots of physical suffering. With that in mind, allow me to continue.
The question is not whether or not you will “stand by me,” but whether or not I will stand by YOU. I can’t be concerned with your actions, regardless of what my ego says I’d like to have happen. What I can do, however, is understand my own truth and simply live up to it.
I say “simply” but certainly understand there usually is nothing “simple” about it. In the battle between ego and awareness our minds often cater to the lowest common denominator. While it is true we must be at our most aware during these moments, it also seems true that we also must have the very human experience of catering to that low point. We must suffer, it seems, to have the human experience to its fullest even as we strive to attain a place where no suffering appears.
The question I am asking is whether or not I should I cry with those suffering, hold them, yell with them, fight alongside them, or should I seek the end of those experiences?
What is wrong with those experiences anyway? What’s wrong with having a good breakdown when your relationship fails? What is wrong with crumbling to the floor when what is doesn’t jive with what you want to be? What is wrong with being human? Why do we hate who we are so much as to always be seeking that which we are NOT?
More importantly, to this thought anyway, why do I feel the need to make someone who is sad smile? Why do I have to say to them (abstractly of course) “you are suffering, that is wrong, and I will help you change it?” Why can’t I simply hold their hand and share in the experience as if it is absolutely perfect in the moment?
Sadness doesn’t make a person who is beautiful suddenly ugly. Not to me anyway. In fact, it highlights their beauty to me. Their suffering doesn’t make them suddenly unappealing to me, if fact it is a common thing we have as human beings. What the suffering of someone we care about does is fundamentally scare us. We want to end their suffering because we want someone to magically end our own. We want to make them smile when they are sad because we want an end to our sadness. Our actions have as much to do with our own needs as it does with those who we care about.
I’d suggest not trying to end suffering. Don’t comfort to end sadness, comfort to share it. Don’t crack a joke to make someone crying suddenly burst out in laughter, just sit and cry with them. Don’t hold them to say “it’s alright, it will be over soon,” but rather hold them as if to say “I am here with you, in this moment right here and right now, and we will walk through this together.”
If that provides comfort, so be it. In this way, the one suffering is doing the comforting, and you are simply sharing in the process. Don’t interfere with the process, simply share in it. Imagine how close two people SHARING in sadness become in that shared experience? When you walk through the fires of hell with someone isn’t that something more beneficial than preventing the walk in the first place? I’d believe so.