He sits in silent stillness, the muck around him spinning his mind into oblivion. The beast screams at him, he can feel its spittle searing into his soul. Ignoring it is not an option. The room he is in is like a crypt, and his soul is ready to die.
“Why?” is the only word he can muster. The only other sound is of his heart breaking. What was once certain is now shaking him to the core. He just falls to pieces, the shards of his soul mixing with the swill beneath him.
“Forgive me, I know not what I’ve done.”
He wants to cry, but has no strength. Dry sobs shake the air around him like pebbles dropped into a still lake. He wants to be better, he wants to be stronger but there is nothing left for him to give. This portion of his heart he’s given to others and now they are free to beat him to death with it.
He reaches out, wanting to trust in a response yet is met with empty silence as the familiar waves of pain pours over him. Wretched though he is, he tries to stand. He has lost the only footing he had ever asked for, and now stumbles into the darkness beyond.
This is the plight of those who love. Loving too hard, or not enough, or too simply, or too complicated. The lover looks in the mirror, “who am I to love you so? An overwhelming drip am I, sad to the heart I love the most. I am just not worthy.”
Sad, tear-stained eyes look down at the churning cauldron beneath him. His feet have grown accustomed to this fire, so much so he can’t even feel the skin peeling from his bones. He just wants to touch her face one more time, just once more time…please Lord just one more time…
Another unanswered prayer. Fuck the gods who turn their backs to him now. His heart, once beating rays of light into all he touched, now lies dormant like a stone at the bottom of an ocean. There is nothing here for him now. “Fuck you,” he says to the reddened sky above.
“Stand up.”
Startled, he looks around. Through the waves of heat there appears nothing, and through the waves of pain he sees only the barren landscape before him.
“I said, stand up.”
“I must be going crazy,” the lover says unto himself.
“That you are. Now, stand up.”
“Please, whoever you are, leave me alone. I have nothing left here, and deserve nothing but the end. Let me go, I need to do this.”
“If you have nothing here than that is what you have to lose? Now, stand up.“
He stood. Memories of times past, happy times, flooded his mind. The laughs and smiles only seemed to darken his mood beyond the impossible place he seemed to be. He realized that he never deserved those moments. His life was to be cursed into a living hell until, mercifully, it ended.
“Fine, now can you leave me the fuck alone?”
“We’ve only just started. You have a long way to go, but go you will. You’ve taken the first step simply by standing. The next step is exactly that. Take a step.”
“No. I want it to end right here. Now. Please, just leave me to it. I am just so fucking tired.”
“Yeah, we’ve been watching you. Remember that moment in your room as a child? That was us. We promised you we’d return, and here we are. You may not be able to end the pain, but you can end its hold on you. Now, please, we beg of you…put one foot in front of the other.”
Numbness dulled his heart, pain the only thing he could feel. He had come here to die, and die he would. He couldn’t ever remember that night in his room.
“No. I’m done. Please, let me go.”
He slipped the rope around his neck, anchored to the playground gym near his home. He tightened the knot, and sank to his knees, determined that nothing would stop him.
Suddenly, images of his children playing here flooded his mind. He could hear them laughing and shouting to one another. Yet, still, his heart remained numb. It occurred to him that his children would never be able to play here again.
“Fuck. What the fucking fuck!” he shouted into empty air. “You aren’t going to beat me. No, I’m doing this and you can’t stop me.”
He tore the rope down, gathering it into the backpack he had stored it in.
“I’ll show you.”
He began walking, the steel-toed boots he’d worn “just in case” he needed the weight shuffling along a thin layer of snow. He would find that place, and it would be the last thing he would ever do. He’d show them all. He was done with this place, his own failure, and being unloved a lifetime over.
He came to a tree. The strongest branch was too high, and he hadn’t enough rope. He moved on, and found another tree, but no limbs strong enough to hold him. Then he found the perfect tree, but the road it was on was too heavily traveled. He kept walking in the cold night air. On and on he walked, each step met with an angry shout at the gods who had never heard him.
Suddenly, he was in front of his house. Through the windows he could see her folding clothes, and his kids playing in their room. He fell to his knees and sobbed, finally feeling a lifetime of pain pouring out of him.
“I want to live. Please let me live. I want to be happy. I want to find love. I want to be the man I always thought I could be.”
“Well, then, stand up.“
He took handfuls of snow and covered his swollen face, trying to hide his misery from his children. He walked in, and heard “Daddy!” coming from the other room and the sounds of feet running toward him. He grabbed those little souls with every ounce of strength he could muster. When he had left this home he felt nothing, but now he felt everything.
“Daddy, are you OK?” said his little girl.
“Yes, honey. I’m fine. Your daddy is fine.” His memory was returning.