The Mask (A Nightmare)

From the end, there was such a beginning.

I was sitting on the bottom of a clear pool just enjoying the serenity and weightlessness. The way the waves painted sunlight where I sat added to the moment, and the slight pressure of my surroundings did little to change the moment. Peace. Love. Energy.

In my right hand there was an air mask. The mask was similar to the mask I wore as a firefighter. That mask had kept me alive more than once, helped me help others, and protected me in moments of great peril. Most of us in the fire service take great care of the masks we use because, usually, not doing so could mean our demise.

I could feel the air tightening in my chest as time wore on. I felt no fear in this, as I knew I had the mask to rely on should I push it too far. I could hear my heart beating louder, acting like the second-hand on a clock and keeping time with growing discomfort in my chest. More beats, the tightness growing with each one.

Finally, I began to struggle. Even as tightness grew, I wanted to go onward as I always had, expecting the discomfort and struggle to serve as a lesson. More discomfort, and my heartbeats grew louder until I simply could take no more.

Just as I was ready to ascend, I began to put the mask on my face. My ascent would have to be fast, and I trusted my legs to propel me fast enough, with the mask on, to the surface. I could almost feel the sunlight on my face, and her sweet embrace as I laughed and tried to catch my breath. Life on the bottom was life all around. What awaited me on the surface was nothing short of heaven.

I grabbed the straps of the mask like I had a million times before, and moved it to my face. To my horror I realized that the mask was not attached to anything! I had the mask, but I had no air, no lifeline to the heaven that awaited me!

I let out a muffled shout, inaudible to all including me. I bent my legs, my feet firmly on the bottom, trusting they were strong enough to get me to air. As I pushed, the earth beneath me gave way, and all my strength seemed to do was move what once appears steady. I had no speed to reach the surface, and I knew I was in trouble.

Time seemed to stand still as I fought with all my might to get to her, to the surface. I kicked my legs hard, my arms pulling at water with all of their might. My throat felt as if it would explode, my chest aching beyond all description. The surface seemed within reach, but never seemed to get any closer. I began to panic, something I never seem to do.

I finally broke through the surface, and she was there. Her beautiful smile suddenly changed when she realized I was in trouble. I floated on the surface, trying to breathe, but my body would not respond. I tried to tell her I loved her, but my words failed me and I knew she couldn’t hear them anyway in her shouting. I could see the Sun looking down on me but could not feel its warmth.

Shadows began to form all around me. I could not recognize the faces, but somehow believed I knew them. They grabbed me, and started dragging me to shore, telling my beloved a lie I have uttered more times than I care to remember.

“Don’t worry. He’s going to be fine.”

I wanted to reach for her, but she was too far away. I wanted to tell them all to get away from me so that I could hold her hand. Nothing came from me until, finally, the darkness came. I stared at her as the night fell until, there was nothing left to see.

In my dream, sleep came. In my reality, I was awakened with a jolt. I sat up on my bed trying to calm my heart and to catch my breath. Sweet, beautiful breath, how I do not take you for granted!

It was 3:13 am on my watch. I just sat there breathing, looking for heaven. She was there, somewhere, and I found her in my heart.