Good morning, my old friend

Hello, love, it’s been a while. I can’t remember the last time we spoke, that last moment when your voice whispered in my ear. It seems like forever since my fingertips last caressed you and my soul opened to receive your blessings. I hope that you are well.

I have not felt more absent than I do this very moment. We used to walk together, you and I, leaving footprints in the snow and bathing in waters we left cleansed by our contrition. You were my strength, the growl I needed to get me through, and I have forsaken you for an idea that I somehow, now, deserved to be happy.

I am here now, though. Please, tell me what it is I am to do.

Since we last spoke a lot has changed. A lot that’s new has risen onto my shores as the tides of love bathe me in their mystery. I’ve let go of so much to open my heart to receive these ebbs and flows of existence. I’ve toiled under the threat of insanity to find my course, and shed so much of myself in order to understand who I truly am. I’m tired, but I’m alive. I’m weak, but I am fierce.

All I thought was impossible has come to greet me on this sand. I keep walking, unsure of where it is I am going and uncertain that I am willing to risk much to get there. Alone I can stand where I want and head in any direction I choose. I feel free of baggage save those few tokens of things I’ve kept to remind nw of the most important lessons learned, and I’m not sure I want to bear the weight of much more. My compass is true and my sextant repaired, and I am not sure I want to be lost again to the ridiculous whims of others who embrace their shackles, adore their curses, and pretend to be somewhere they have never visited.

I cannot hide in shadows cast by those who fear the light. I cannot play games with old lovebirds flying around my nest and practice songs who’s luster has left me long ago. I cannot view reminders of dysfunction and despicableness without feeling dysfunctional and despicable. I cannot play with fire without feeling first the scars where I’ve been burned before and wondering if I should be playing with fire at all.

While I will endure for now, I cannot do so forever. Eternity is my destiny, this humanity is what will get me there. It is there I know you are waiting.

So, talk to me. Shout to me stories as you once did. Put your head on my chest and breathe life into my suredness as you have before. Help me find the strength to have my legs again hold firm, and show me that I have not yet ventured outside my prime.  Touch the grays that now define me and show me they are not a curse, and that I need not believe those who feel so cursed by age. Show me again that the opinions of those who shall never walk in my feet should matter little, especially if they mean I can’t see beauty when gazing into a mirror.

Run with me in the woods and let me howl with you at the moon. Give me one more moment to hunt under the gaze of the stars, and share our meal with the holy reverence you have taught me. Let us keep each other warm as the snow falls so that when the weak of character run for cover or jump off bridges in their hunger we are still safe in our embrace. Remind me of that growl and let it not be silenced until I close my eyes forever.

I realize now that my happiness need not exclude you from my existence. I trust you above all things, and know better than not to listen. I know you bark when there is danger, bite when there is harm, and dance when there is joy. I have known you forever.

Call out to me, and be clear. I will wait for your arrival.