Harry Stoles had learned his lessons the hard way. Life had presented him many challenges and he used those challenges to transform his life from one of sorrow into one of joy. He had overcome his fears and demons to rise above them, finding strength and love as the cornerstone of his experience.
Nothing had been easy, but easy never seemed to be his way. Through countless challenges there he stood, wiser and stronger in the tumble. His wounds would heal, and somehow his soul and body would be stronger in the resurrection. That is the way it had been from his earliest memory, and that is the way things seemed to continue.
Then he met Allison Cramer.
He had met her on a trip he had taken, one that was going to help him clear his mind and recharge his soul. She struck him like a lightning bolt, and within him rose something unusual. He could feel this woman in his entirety, and he could sense her in every part of his soul. It was a connection he had been waiting for, a connection that he never thought possible.
Love sprouted between them. It took its time, but there was no denying it. Both had arrived to it slowly, but one day the words “I love you” flowed from both of them like a spring waterfall. Truer words had never been spoken from either of them, such was the intensity of their connection.
As things will, life would get in the way. They were living quite a distance from one another, and the separation proved agonizing to Harry. He could feel the pain in the very core of his soul, boring into him like a vicious parasite. He wanted her near, but she was not ready. He loved her, so he wanted to grow into togetherness with her. He would see this as yet another challenge, one that would teach him something valuable.
The language of his emotion left no doubt to Harry that he wanted to share his life with her. Allison had taught him so much about love, both in the way she stood by him and the way she slowly allowed him to open up to her. He no longer felt joy in nature alone. He no longer saw the Sunrise in the same way. He wanted to walk with her, see life with her, and experience the act of living by her side. In her absence life was always as it had been. In her presence, life was something else entirely.
He’d share this with her, understanding that she simply was not ready. It was his truth, and he just couldn’t hide it for very long. He wanted her to know what she meant to him, and he never wanted to leave her wondering or leave her without speaking the words, “I love you.” Her truth was she needed to take her time. Together, they would figure it out.
One day, however, Harry got sick. He discovered his life would end soon.
He kept it his secret, not wanting to change life around him. People tend to act differently when they know someone is dying. They become more accommodating, nicer, friendlier. Harry would rather have them as they are without the mask, acting like they would normally and not changing just because he was dying.
So, he’d continue his walks. He’d continue working on his body and mind. He’d continue trying to get the love of his life closer. She’d continue telling him she was not ready. While it was painful, Harry was able to smile in knowing that she was still following his heart and her own journey. He felt confident that Allison, and everyone else close to him, were going on their path and that his death would, perhaps, be a part of that journey.
Harry decided against treatment. He did not want to waste away trying to extend his life. He had learned that there was life, and then there was living. Harry had sworn to himself long ago that he would live, and that without living he would want no life.
The end began to come quickly, within weeks. Soon, those who saw him noticed his condition. They would ask him about it. Harry, for his part, denied everything at first. He’d tell them that his dieting and workouts were the cause of his weight loss. Then, as he became too weak to for physical activity, he told them he had come down with something. Finally, when he could barely stand without great effort, he told them that the end was very close indeed.
His friends and family were shocked. Some of them became angry in his secret. Others came close to him, offered to help him, and stood by him. He, in turn, learned to accept their love in his weakened state.
“Are you going to tell Allison?” one asked.
“No.”
“You need to. She needs to know Harry. You can’t let your life end without a final moment with her.”
“No. I wanted to share my life with her, not my death. I wanted her near to do life with her, not death. Death would be acceptable if life had come first. I will not have her come close to me just because I am dying. I wanted her to come close because I was living.”
He was unwavering on this point, and they respected his wishes.
Allison, for her part, could tell Harry’s voice had changed. She would ask him about it, and he would tell her that he was just tired, which wasn’t exactly a lie. It would be better tomorrow, a tomorrow that he quickly began to realize may never come. Harry always would seem to muster just enough strength to seem somewhat normal for the time he and Allison would talk. That’s all he seemed to care about.
On the day Harry died, he was alone. A friend had said he’d stop over later, and Harry told him he’d see him then. Allison and Harry would talk later in the day, as had become their custom. As Harry laid in bed struggling for breath, he recited in his mind what he would say to Allison when she called. At least their angels would hear it.
“I love you. With all of my soul. You have been one of the best things to happen to me in this life. I’ve always loved you, even before my birth, and I will love you even after I die. We will be together in the next life, I am sure.
My love, I am dying. I am sorry I didn’t tell you sooner. Just know that my life was lightened by your presence, and I am grateful to have loved you and that you have loved me.”
He just wanted to keep going, to tell her everything over and over again, but his strength was fading fast. She was his flame and love was his mantra. One day he would be silent, and that day had come. Today was the day he dreaded, the day when living and loving would end.
Harry looked at a picture of him and Allison on his wall. Through the struggle for breath he sobbed. Tears flowed down his cheek like raindrops, raindrops containing a mixture of regret and gratitude. His struggle ended as he mouthed the words, “I love you”.
Allison would come to him. As she caressed the man she loved in his casket her tears fell on him like a summer rain. She couldn’t understand why he wouldn’t tell her, but a memory of a conversation they had poured through her mind.
“Love,” she said, “I hope you can understand why I’m not ready.”
“I do,” Harry replied, “and although I am not liking it, know that I am as dedicated to you on your path as I am to me on mine. Of course I wish things could be different, but I rise each morning with hope that this will be the day when you are ready. Until that day arrives, I can do nothing but hope, ask, and love you.”
Allison rose from her memory, and looked at the face of her great love. Through her tears she bent to his ear one final time.
“I will see you soon, my love. I am ready now.”