In the moment of torment, I write. But I also write in the moment of bliss.
Which moment is this? Sometimes they are the same.
Love has come to me. It has come to me in the most beautiful way I know. Deeply spiritual, it reminds me of something strange in it familiarity. I’ve known this Love before, just not in this lifetime.
Dear God, help me remember. Help me understand. Help me get out of my own way.
Oh, Tom. You beautiful soul. You are a Being simply being human. What you focus on is your business. You are the master of your experience, now get to experiencing. Do not abdicate control of your ship to the currents without a fight. You have not been created to surrender to your mind unless you choose to. It’s all perfect, we have prepared you for this each and every day of your life. Now, it is up to you to decide which port you sail to; the one where fear resides or the one where you found Love.
How do I decide? I feel so confused.
You are there already, you just don’t know it yet. You made this choice long ago, even before your birth. You are conflicted because of what has happened since you made the choice. Those distractions are what are torturing you now. You think about changing your mind, but your mind is the problem. You cannot change your heart, you can only break it through the mental stones you through at it. Is that what you’ve spent your life struggling for? To break your own heart with stones on which past images are painted?
No. I am afraid.
Afraid of what, my love? Afraid of what may happen? Silly, isn’t it. Look at what is happening. The sea is calm where you are. The Sun is shining. The gulls are singing across your bow and the ship is seaworthy. You have nourishment. You are loved. What are you afraid of?
I don’t know…
Oh, you know alright. You begin being afraid by being afraid to admit it.
It’s hard…
I don’t get it. It’s hard to let it out and easier to keep it in? See stones in your mind, those painted with the past, serve two purposed. First, you throw them at your heart and often break it in the process. Second, you build walls with them. You think you are safe behind them when, in reality, you are in more danger there than anywhere outside of them.
How so?
What infests within those walls can kill you. They can eat you alive. They can infect you. Sure, there is danger outside of those walls, but it pales in comparison to the danger that lurks inside of it. The whole reason those walls were built is an infestation. You were built to run wild in the forest, and sail wildly on the sea. You were not created to hide behind walls of any kind, so living contrary to your purpose will be the end of you.
I understand.
So, what are you afraid of?
Come on, you can do it…
I paused for a long breath. Sometimes crossing a threshold of a door you’ve kept closed for a lifetime is harder than just staying in the room you’ve rotted away in. Yet, I’ve never been able to do things the easy way.
Tommy, are you still with us?
Yes.
Trust us. We know what we are doing.
Fine. I am afraid of the pain. I am afraid of the sadness. I am afraid of not being good enough, of failing the one I love, of being discarded, of not being strong enough. I’m afraid I may not survive. I’m afraid I may crumble. I’m afraid of dying unloved. I’m afraid of fucking losing my heart. I’m afraid, ok? Nothing scares me but this.
But you have felt this way before, right? When you were a firefighter?
Yes, I trained hard because I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to save someone. I was afraid of failing them and the ones that love them. There was a difference though. I didn’t put them in their situation. I didn’t cause the problem.
But you were there to save them, no?
Yes.
And when you couldn’t?
It broke me up inside. I would apologize to nothing each and every time. I would hide my sorrow, but I it would affect me to my core. I would try to figure out what I could have done differently to save them.
And?
There was nothing. Nothing I could do. I was helpless. Fuck…helpless.
Like when you were a boy?
Fuck you.
Stay with us here. You’ve got this.
Yes, like when I was a boy.
Do you feel helpless in love?
Sometimes. Sometimes I feel empowered.
What makes the difference?
Another long pause. Courage sometimes needs to be mustered, especially when you’ve known the answer for so long and never wanted to admit it.
Being considered. Or not.
Again, like when you were a boy and a young man?
Yes, exactly like that.
We remember. So, when you are not considered you feel unloved?
I guess so.
Tommy…
Fine, yes.
But you do know that you are always considered?
In my heart I do. In my mind, not so much. I get it though, my mind is breaking my heart, destroying what it knows. Yes, I know I am considered.
If you ever need proof, our Son, remember that you are alive. Every living thing is considered. Every living thing is special. Your creation is a testament of how highly you are considered.
I get it.
People may not consider you. Mostly, it’s because they don’t feel considered themselves. You know that adage saying that in order to love others you need to love yourself? That is true with everything that has to do with your experience. If you believe it, you will project it. Do not worry, your Love considers you. Your Love values you as much as Love values herself.
Ok.
Tommy, do you trust yourself?
Huh?
Do you trust yourself?
Usually. Yes.
We’d suggest that in those moments when you are not trusting your Love and the process, you are not trusting yourself. You are losing faith in you and, in turn, losing faith in Love. Go back to Love. Have faith in yourself in love. Trust yourself in all you’ve done and will do. Don’t let the mind throw stones or build walls, and guess what will happen.
What?
Love in eternity. She’s waiting for you there.