Stuck in the Muck

“Stuck in the muck without a fuck as I have no more to give.”

We all reach that moment when we simply just need to stop.

You know, smell the flowers. Soak our feet in a mountain stream. Listen to the birds singing while we absorb the vibration of a rushing river surrounding us. Drown in beauty. Breathe.

Sometimes being stuck in the much reminds us of how much we wish to roam, to run up rocky hills and have to catch our breath at the top.

I work to slow down moments when my daughter is my little girl again, telling me stories with that grown-up smile still alive with a young girl’s mind, reminding me of the stories she would share as a toddler learning her way in the world. I want my son to always look up to me as the best hero a comic book never had. I want my oldest to know that though she may be grown, she will always be my little girl, my first love.

I hate getting older only because I feel so much slipping through my fingers. Diapers are no more. “Daddy” has become “Dad”. Stubby legs blessed with baby fat have become the strong legs of adolescence. Phone calls are less frequent. Memories that seem like yesterday only serve to remind me that my time is fleeting.

I’m blessed for each day, but I’ve missed so much in my blindness. I can see now in my aged wisdom, but sometimes that sight shows me how much I’ve lost. No more sloppy kisses on the cheek or piggy-back rides. Sometimes I just beg for one more piggy-back ride…just one more of something I can hold on to for the rest of my days. Remind me of your youth so that I, in turn, can be reminded of my own.

The awakened soul is patiently impatient, knowing full well that it has but a limited time to experience this life even as it knows it is eternal. My time here as me is limited, I want all I can get out of this time. I have no desire for the games I once played when I thought I had time, when I was invincible, when I was going to live forever. I only desire to squeeze every drop of juice from the fruit that is this life. I want so much and realize that the most precious commodity I have left is time.

So I don’t want to know about what we’re going to do someday. I want to step in the clear, cold streams now. I want to hold those moments so precious that nothing can take them from me. I don’t want to be buried with gold, or money, or treasure of any kind save the memories we’ve created in the spaces that we’ve shared. Nothing else matters. Nothing.

I have no more fucks to give. But I have something even better. A memory. A kiss. A hug. A piece of me that I can’t take with me left next to a piece of you that will always remain. No more excuses on why we aren’t living this life. No more time wasted on staying stuck in this muck. Unstick, and leave that footprint behind for someone else to see so that they may, if they choose, see that there is a way free. Maybe your footprints will show them the path to the cliff you’ve dove off of, and maybe if they listen hard enough they’ll hear your shriek of joy as you fall into the unknown.