“I Did Not Know” (A Practice of Inspiration)

I simply did not know. I felt the energy the first time our eyes met; like the shock of cold water running down my sunburned back it felt oh so good while exposing what was oh so bad. I needed it, I needed you but was not ready. Or so it seemed. I was an infant, and there you were demanding that I run when I had so much to learn before I could walk. You weren’t demanding, I was demanding. I could have let you go to your own wonders, yet I selfishly demanded that you walk this path with me. I was begging for it to be whole; the voice within me saying “this is it” while the voices around me were saying “this is over“. So I ran, blistering my feet softened by self-loathing. So I ran, abrading my knees with each stumble, scarring my legs with each fall. So I ran, until you were broken and I was healed. I learned to run before I learned to walk and I forced you to crumble with the stench of my fear. The fear that kept me still even as my legs were making the motions you required of me…of what I had to require of myself. I ran as to not lose you. I ran as to not have to let go of the only piece of me that felt real.

Yet I did not know. The tear-stained site of where your smile once stood remained proof of my ignorance. My longing heart broken by the steel coursed remembrances of time simply did not know how to beat. Such pitiful displays of weakness bound us together by sheer force of will – shear force of fear of what lie on the other side of knowing. My sheer force was destructive; yours moved mountains. My force caused pain; yours created love. My will laid barren a once beautiful oasis; yours spawned life anew from a craggy cliff.

So what do I owe this practice of inspiration, this creation brought from the example you have given me? Your love, my dear, the cooling spring in the desert, the chilly breeze on a hot summer’s day. Your steadfastness in the most uncertain of times; your example of what love is in the midst of a torrent of fear. My hand is all I have to offer, my heart is all I have to give. It is yours as I have no need for it beyond you. Perfection is not my middle name and sorrow follows me as surely as this shadow reminds me of who I am without the Light. Yet now I know, for you have shown me. Now I know.

All I know I learned from you. Others taught me fear, you taught me love. My life had been a story of suffering, you gave me an opportunity to see. I am but a sapling, but you helped me break through the soil. I did not know how great life could be until I realized how bad it was. How bad I was making it. Yet from that seed nurtured by what Love Is I stand, a sapling in the woods with you as my Sun, my Rain, my subtle air. I inhale in joy as I bask in the Love you have given me. I feel your touch as I enjoy all that being is spirit provides. In this I know.

What was born from what I did not know I surely now know. I did not always see this sun, I sometimes lose sight of the way, yet from the darkness I stand still and all I need do is listen. Listen for you. Yes, now I know. I am home wherever I can hear you.