Walking I will be…

If I beat a dog that bit me 5 years ago each day because of the scar, who is to blame if he bites me again?

I wonder in such matters what is worse, the crime or the punishment? Does the present effect do anything to end the cause? To say that one acts in a way to suffer another from a past error, does the suffering of the present then cause an allowable mistake in the future?

See, one cannot claim that insanity of today caused by insanity of yesterday cannot have any effect on the psyche of tomorrow. To do so would be a high form of hypocrisy, in which the tormented turned tormentor can only expect to become the tormented again. If such a vicious cycle is not interrupted by some understanding of the present, the past has no choice but to become the future, the present has no choice put to live in the past, and the future has no hope of defining itself. We are stuck then in such a cycle, one of misunderstanding completed by misunderstanding, until all semblance of understanding is loss in the abyss. As deep as that pit shall go one will never touch bottom and will cease to find forgiveness in the darkness that has been created by one’s self.

It is nothing but truth that we are only in control of ourselves for this moment. Those who seek to rely on the past for today are destined to have that past repeated over and over again until the present ceases to exist unto itself. Today we have no present it seems, for we relive nothing but the past and identify so clearly with its pain that we choose to not let go lest we lose our identity. I choose to not blame others anymore for my actions, for I cannot be resolved in my complicity and cannot lean on the rock of blame anymore. Regardless of the pain instilled in my heart only I can choose to let that pain rule me instead of me it. I can no longer say “I am this way”, or “I am that way” because of another, I can only live in my present as one in complete control of it.

Take it or leave it, but I choose not to live in the past anymore. You can choose to live in this present with me as you are, or you can remain as you were, but I will not dive into that pit again. I am beginning to love the growth I feel each day, and do hereby choose to not be dragged down by the love you have of the past. If you expect perfection, be prepared by such disappointment. Imagine if the same expectation had been placed on your back to carry unfairly in the heat of the day.

Yes – love is what you have of it. One does not taste the bitter and be repulsed by it only to taste it over and over again. Such blame you may place on my head as a crown of thorns, but please note that I choose not to wear it. I will shrug off such suggestions as clearly as I shrug off a drop of rain that by some chance has found its way on my back; it will be forgotten almost as quickly as it was felt.

I just do not wish to live in that day anymore or at anytime. It is beyond me and me it, never to be relived again except by those who choose to hold on. Blame me if you like, but the fault of such a grip now lies solely on your hand. I can be walking with you or without you, that is your choice, but walking I will be.